Accomplishment

I am thinking back to the awards ceremony at my university a little over a month ago.  Several students received awards and recognition in different areas.  As I sat in the crowd, seeing those people applauded on stage made me want to do something award-worthy.  I wanted to be celebrated for my accomplishments. (who doesn't?)

But something also made me cringe.  If you don't know me, I spent seven years in Masters Commission (fall of 2005 to the spring of 2012), which is ministry on steroids.  I got into the habit of saying yes to everything, and doing as much as I could without ever resting or taking care of my emotional needs.  That, of course, led to extreme burn-out and stress.  By the end of seven years, I was mostly numb to every emotion except anger and frustration.  I stopped listening to music, and avoided people (two of my greatest passions).  I treated my closest friends very badly, neglected my family, and continuously over-ate.  I have accomplished many things in the area of ministry.  I did every possible church-related thing I had the ability to do.  My last two years, I was paid to run the program.  I don't regret any of it, though much of my particular experience was very difficult.  What I learned from my time--in a nutshell--is this: busy-ness sucks the life out of me and makes me far less productive.  I may be doing more, but the quality is less... and less, and less, and less.  So I stopped.  I slowed down.

Because I'm now able to focus on fewer things, those things which I produce are far more valuable. 

One thing at a time.

And so my thoughts return to the awards ceremony: for those people who are being recognized for accomplishing a million and one things.  She was a part of student council, two sport teams, jazz band, some leadership in the dorms, got a 4.0, etc...  I cringed at the busy-ness.  Most students take 18 credits a semester, which basically means sleepless nights all school-year.  That alone is a lot of work.  For a time, it's good.  There are busy seasons in my life and I thrive on it.  But that's not the kind of lifestyle I want to live for my whole life.  And I think, "all these people are getting awards and are being encouraged to be super productive.  Hopefully they will learn that this lifestyle eventually spins out of control..."

Maybe some people want the life of constant work.  Maybe that's what gets them through.  I know that in my early years of MC I was dealing with a broken heart and keeping busy was what helped me through.  But then my life became un-balanced.  This super-productiveness had to slow down.  What's the point of accomplishing all these things when in the end they don't matter to you anymore?  You get so busy that you hate the things you once loved.  You can't even enjoy what you've decided to do with your life.  The things that got you into your career are the things that you eventually want to get away from.

I am NOT discouraging productiveness.  I am discouraging the constant go busy-ness that is plaguing our nation.  What's the point of accomplishing so much if you can't even enjoy life in the process?  Shall I just live to survive?  Even kids left on the street in third world countries--those who are barely surviving--are sniffing glue to help them get by.  The feeling may be fleeting, but it's gratification nonetheless.

If I'm going to get an award, I'm going to get it by being exceptionally good at one thing.  I'm tired.  The things that I have been striving for have led me to ruin.  My dreams that were once so big have become the stuff of nightmares.  To have a global this and an international that...  it now sounds like a bunch of busy-ness that leads to more busy-ness for others.  It reeks of frustration that stings like frostbite.  In those former dreams, when I think of them now, I picture a broken family and a shattered marriage.  I picture utter loneliness followed by continuous attempts to feel SOMEthing pleasant--maybe sex, drugs, or binge-eating...  No wonder famous people are notorious for all these life-ruining habits.

Simplicity is the life for me.

Prioritize Family

"Nobody want to see us together, but it don't matter, no, 'cause I got you."  That's the chorus of a song called, "Don't Matter" by Akon.  It's pretty catchy.  I hate it.

Here's the thing: if your family can't stand the person you're dating, take that as a warning.  If he or she is repelling the people who unconditionally love you, don't assume marriage will change that.  You're family will be forced to "tolerate" that character, and it will keep them from being around you.  And if you've unknowingly picked the abuser, or the cheater, or the manipulator, or the drug addict, or the criminal, he or she could eventually ruin your life and the lives of your children.  And if you've been ruined, what is you get a divorce.  And if you divorce, who will you turn to?  Your family.

Alas, you were too consumed to care about your family when you were devoting yourself to the one who wasn't worth your time to begin with.

I just think...What if I had married the man my parents disapproved of?  He made my sister feel awkward, but I didn't know it at the time.  It would have put a wedge between us.  Anne and I have been best friends our whole lives.  I would be devastated if she didn't want to spend time with me because my man made her uncomfortable.  Ugh.  Thank God I have Dustin.

In a way, my love affair with my work put distance between my family and me... And it hurt me a great deal.  I feel like I'm closing the gaps slowly.

(and yes, I know, sometimes the family disapproves for superficial reasons that don't matter, but that's something entirely different.  And then there's situations when family approves blindly because they don't know who the woman or man really is...  no one could blame themselves for that.  And God can always change things.  He is full of grace after all).

I guess I just wish people would consider what's important (not that I did when I was young... By God's grace it didn't work out).  Obviously, you have to make your own decisions, and your family's approval shouldn't be the only reason you decide to marry... but it is oh-so-important.  I don't see enough people making it important.  If your family matters to you, don't let a stranger come between them and you.  If you do, you'll regret it down the road.