Don't listen to it...
The social media algorithms think I want to read all kinds
of articles about parenting, so it’s throwing things my way, and I’m quite
disgusted. This doesn’t surprise me since raising children is mostly presented
as unfavorable by the media in our society, but I’ve never been exposed to so much
pointedly negative content aimed at parents to make them feel validated for
feeling miserable. Listen, this was my struggle, and the reason I didn't want to have kids in the first place--every corner of my world told me it was the end of pleasure and joy in life. Maybe I’m not in the thick of it yet, “wait until you have
three kids and then we’ll talk,” I can hear people saying already… But it’s not
just my opinion that makes me sure that it’s all garbage, it’s what the family
therapy and brain development experts are saying that is far more compelling to
me than pseudo-expert journalists.
I can’t find the articles I came across, but I remember the
gist of a few headlines which will give you the picture. These are just a few among many others.
“What having children does to happiness in parents…” and the implication that it doesn’t look good. They start the article with a poll asking working moms about their quality of life. No offense to working moms—many of you are doing or did what needs to be done, and I respect you for it—but I’d be miserable too if I just had a gorgeous child who is the joy of my heart and I only get the three most physically challenging months to be with them and then I’m away from them for most of their cutest, sweetest waking hours, only returning to them in the evening when they’re completely exhausted, overstimulated, and devastated that I wasn’t with them all day. I’ve just enjoyed an entire year off from work, a year of the hardest yet happiest days of my life, being with my baby all day long, and sharing this joy with my husband, who also absolutely loves this kid. Neither of us would go back to our easier life for a moment. It was easier, but it was empty by comparison despite the immense challenges we took on. I genuinely didn’t think having kids was for me, because I’m not a kid person. But my son… oh my gosh, he’s my pride and joy. That joy honestly took me by surprise. Setting my opinion aside, Erica Komisar, a researcher and therapist specializing in family repair, in her book, “Being There,” says that if you can’t be present with and enjoy your own child, it means there’s something wrong. Either something in you is not yet healed, or outside pressures are stealing away your ability to enjoy. Or maybe you just need to accept a little help and self-care. Not only does she have thousands of cases in her own practice to back up her claims, but also a robust number of studies as well.
“According to evolutionary science, playing with your kids
stifles creativity and puts strain on the parent-child relationship,” with a
quote from the author, “I’ve always hated playing with my child, and my
research has shown me why.” Here is another case of the non-expert thinking
they have expertise. Dr. Amen, a brain researcher who has scanned over 200,000
brains and is the leading expert on brain health and development tells us that
focused time with your child, where you let them lead (i.e. play) is one of the
most important things you can do for your child and is the best thing for the
parent-child relationship. He also has patient testimonials to confirm that it
works. His opinion is far more compelling than some rando writer researching for
confirmation bias. You don’t have to play with your child all day (you shouldn’t
do that), but you should do it intentionally every day for at least 10 minutes.
If you think about it, TV and screens are FAR more damaging to creativity. Play engages the imagination. To stifle creativity through play, you’d
have to be playing constantly and not allowing your child any time for independent
play or exploration unguided by you. Or maybe you hate playing with your
kids so much, and your imagination is so utterly stunted to the point that it puts strain
on your relationship with your child… You might need some therapy. The author
of the article harps on how society makes you feel like a bad parent for not playing
with your child. Well, in this very specific case, “society” is correct.
Playing doesn’t have to be miserable if you know how to set good boundaries for
yourself. Playing—at least observing your child playing—is also the best way to
get to know your child because it is the way they process their experiences; how
they play tells you a lot about them and what they are thinking.
Here's another one: “Why older women long for the hardest
times of their lives,” with the subtitle, “They constantly tell us to enjoy
every minute of child-rearing, but this advice is much harder to put into
practice than it seems…” or something along those lines. Hm. Why, you ask,
would any woman miss the times when her life was the hardest? Maybe because—and
this is just a theory—just maybe it isn’t the hardship that she misses, but the
time when her precious children were little. It might be the uncontainable
adorableness of a small child or the fascination with the developing brain, seeing
the world through new untainted eyes. Or maybe it’s the extreme sweetness of a
small body cuddled up to you, or a small hand grabbing your finger. Maybe it’s
the hilarity of seeing how the developing brain reasons with the world like a
feral animal. Maybe it’s the precious sound of a tiny voice. Maybe it’s the satisfaction
of making a meal and watching them enjoy it, or purchasing an insulated jacket
and knowing they are warm when playing outside. It might also be the
overwhelming love you experience, the first relationship in which you truly
feel no suspicion—albeit one-sided and short-lived—which is a sliver of relief
in a world full of let-downs and disappointments. It’s just a hunch, but maybe
it’s the complete wonder of new life that you long to see again, when you’re
looking at the end of your own. Maybe those times were more joyful than
difficult, I don’t know…
All sarcasm aside, of course it’s impossible to enjoy every waking
minute of ANY aspect of life. You don’t even possess that much serotonin or
dopamine. So, the advice is clearly hyperbolic. We don’t need to feel guilty
when we don’t take it literally. But the heart of it is still clear—don’t take
for granted the good and beautiful things you have. Do your best to take care
of yourself so you ARE capable of enjoying the time. Don’t let outside
pressures crowd out the joy of being with the very wonderful and beautiful children
right in front of you. Enjoy the time you have now because it is fleeting. This
is good and sound advice, and you shouldn’t let any stupid article make you
feel justified for being miserable.
The problem with these atrocious headlines is, when you read
enough of them over time, they tend to get into your psyche. This is me
reminding myself (and therefore you) not to take article headlines as fact. Often
they are simply confirmation bias written by non-experts. Part of our challenge in this sea of information is figuring out which “expert” opinions are worth listening to. So, I hope this
has also helped you stay steady in your parenthood endeavors.
Photo by Brooke Balentine on Unsplash
