Your Kids Are Your First Ministry

Your role as parent is so important, no matter how much the world wants to downplay it.

As a church minister, I love it when people step up to participate and help their church. It's a strong community where many individuals identify with and take ownership of their group. However, this is out of order for those who do it at the expense of the health of their own family, their marriage, or their kids.

I’ve been working with young adults, youth, and kids in the church for almost 20 years now. I have worked with some very troubled kids, and also with those who have strong families. By now, I can tell when a young person has--or doesn't have--parents who invest their time and effort in their lives. It shows. 

A well-parented child has a greater inner stability and self-confidence, even amidst their struggles and quirks and personal obstacles. They might be eager to please, or determined to create chaos, and that might be frustrating for the parent, but it's never too extreme. Furthermore, there's a bit of healthy distance between them and leaders like me because they already have an established safe place to go when real problems arise. This inner stability and safe place helps them avoid SO MANY problems in life. Even just one involved parent can establish this; just imagine the power of two. Imagine the power of a tight-knit family clan working together. I'm telling you, there is a difference, and it shows. I find it a shame when good parents take this for granted. They don't understand the lifelong value of what they have given to their child.

The less parented youth are a different story. They are desperate for attention. Some shoot for negative attention, others for positive. Negative attention-seekers are a bit more obvious. They are prone to sabotage potentially helpful mentor relationships, because despite their need for love and attention, they also find it difficult to trust. They might be determined to create chaos literally everywhere they go. They have anti-social tendencies, and even antagonize others. The ones desperate for positive attention go about it differently. They are desperate to please and also horrified to disappoint whoever is in authority over them. They have the same struggle to trust, but their way of dealing with this is to try to be whatever they think others want them to be; to avoid rejection at all costs. This is a defense mechanism--they are hiding in plain sight. These kids can even be very strong and can handle a lot of responsibility. But when you get to know them, you can sense that extra edge of desperation and need. Some are really good at faking it. Both types of less-parented youth are so incredibly vulnerable, I fear for them.

And in my opinion, the level of neglect often directly correlates. There are always exceptions to the rule, and I always try to give the benefit of the doubt... But the kids without any parents are the most difficult to reach, and usually end up in a life of crime.

The biggest lesson I learned in my years of working with youth, is that the influence I have as a youth minister is merely a drop in the bucket compared to the power that you as parents have in their lives. That often makes me feel helpless. Parents have thrown their kids at our youth programs, hoping we could do what they couldn't, but this is a pipe dream. How can a couple of years in a place with people who don't know you make up for the entirety of your upbringing? The youth might learn something, sure! And maybe they might actually connect with a mentor who can give them some guidance. But sometimes, despite all the hard work we put in, parents themselves can undo all of the progress we make. Even if I put my whole heart and soul into helping a young person, sometimes the damage is simply too great, and my influence isn't enough. I know my work isn't for nothing, and every seed planted is worthwhile, but it has taught me how incredibly powerful the influence of a parent is.

It has also taught me that things could actually turn around, if only the parents knew the power they did have. If what I do can make the smallest difference, the parents can do FAR more. If only parents wanted to make a difference. Many parents are paralyzed by helplessness, feeling like it's too late. You might be right. But if you stop trying--if you give up--you seal their fate, especially if you do so before they are adults. Whether or not you try is the thing for which God will hold you accountable. 

Listen, not every parent is in control of their circumstances. There are so many unfortunate situations. It's usually more complicated than it looks from the outside looking in, and I've learned to withhold judgment. In these cases, all we can do as a good church community is to help these families make the best of it, by protecting them and being there for them. God is a God of mercy and restoration. God will also hold churches accountable for how they treat these broken families. He will not be proud of those churches which shame, ostracize, and criticize, causing even more fragmentation and loss of faith.

I do really struggle when I see fully capable and wonderful parents--good-intentioned, still married, and well-provisioned--who use up their free time to throw themselves into other endeavors thinking they’re doing something for the greater good, but are blinded to what really matters. They have control over their situation, and are fully capable of making different choices, but then their kids come to me with that same desperation just to be noticed. It is difficult for me. I just want to shake the parents and say, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" 

My life's passion is to strengthen and build up the church. But the church is just people. The more I see the seasons of growth and decay of different churches, I have seen what made them strong. It was the families that raised stable children who became pillars of the community, who then build up and support others. Once the families are weak, the church becomes weak. A vital component to building up the church is protecting families. Families need to spend time together. Kids need to see their parents worshiping God. They don't need to be split up every night of the week in programs. People don't need to be taught to constantly set aside the needs of their own families for the sake of the church. This is damaging. It is out of order. It certainly does NOT bring glory or honor to God. So many pastors have felt it necessary to neglect their own families for the "sake of the kingdom," not realizing that their families ARE a real part of that kingdom; their kids are the FUTURE of that kingdom. Neglecting your kids and then shuffling them into a youth group, thinking this will make up for it... that's NOT how it works.

So here's the proper Biblical order of things: we are meant to put our relationship with God first, then take care of ourselves, then our family, and then our ministry work. You're useless to anyone else if you neglect yourself. Your family has no chance if you've given up on you. And your family--if you have one--is the greatest responsibility God has given you. Since most church-goers aren't career ministers, this means working to provide for your family also has to come before the work you do for the church. (for ministers, this can be a tricky balance).

All I really want to say is this: Don't underestimate the influence YOU have on your own children. Because YOU have the greatest influence in your kids'—and even your teens’—lives. I say this even for those of you who feel like your kids don't listen, and they constantly resist you. I say this even to the parents who have been dealt a tough hand. This is only a season. Your love MATTERS. They are never beyond your influence! What you do and say matters. So do and say the things you can while you still can! Whether or not they actually accept what you have to say, say it anyway. You can't control the outcome, but do the hard work anyway. Take the risks and say the hard things. Don't abandon your sons and daughters while you still have them! Give up the other lesser commitments and spend the time with your family, even if their arms are crossed the whole time. You don't have to be perfect: love covers a multitude of sins.

Photo by Patricia Prudente on Unsplash

Comfort Is Not a Virtue

 ... and neither is convenience...

If we look hard at several of our pop culture mores, the end goal is to make a person comfortable. And while that sounds nice and all, in many cases it's actually unhealthy. Comfort has to do with keeping things the way they are, and all change is uncomfortable. We have the older generation who wants the "good old days," which is romanticized because they are forgetting the hardships they faced. And we have the younger generation seeking validation for the way they feel inside--seeking to feel comfortable with themselves--which only prevents them from growing as people, because growth is also uncomfortable. Growth produces change. The way you feel inside as a kid should change as you grow. If it doesn't... you're not growing.

It sucks to have your whole worldview rocked. It is very uncomfortable to realize you've been wrong for part of your life. It's also very uncomfortable to realize the people you hate are right. It's also difficult to accept wisdom and knowledge from people who are problematic (just because you hate someone, doesn't mean they're always wrong). But it's only the people who are open to learning, growing, and progressing who embrace discomfort and actually grow. When you reach a status quo and stay there, you're in danger of stagnating. And that's very comfortable.

Anything worth doing or worth having requires a certain level of discomfort. 

For some of us, it's harder than others. We've grown up in discomfort. We've lived in instability, in abuse and injustice for so long, all we want is just some sense of "normal." It's easy to take our experiences, make conclusions about them, and clamp down where we are. It's easy to stop forgiving. It's easy to stop trusting people, It's quite comfortable to become curmudgeons and start defining our world by the narrow circumstances we've experienced. It's tempting because we've had to be so malleable all our lives, we just need some stability. But that's the end of growth. That's the end of progress.

It's also uncomfortable to fight for things we want and need. It's uncomfortable to raise our voices to fight for ourselves. It's especially risky to fight for people we love and care about... It's easier to be passive, to let people go, judge them as hopeless, give up and move on. It's easy to keep everyone an arm's length away, and save our vulnerabilities for when we're alone in our own bed, swimming in our own thoughts... It's extremely uncomfortable to reach out and risk offending someone to tell them the truth.

This isn't a post to shame you for doing things that make your life more comfortable. Comfort isn't bad. We need it. It's just not a virtue. It shouldn't be upheld as one. This also is NOT meant to shame anyone for needing stability: that's a legitimate need. This is also NOT a post to shame people who have drawn healthy boundaries between themselves and people who are destructive. This is a post about stagnation; for those who are alone, tempted to cocoon deeper into yourselves and isolate. It's for those drowning out their problems with things which only delay dealing with them. It's for those who are spending all their free time on devices, subjecting themselves to the slow brain rot of distraction. This is for those who are about to give up on things that are worth fighting for because it hurts. STAND UP. Get uncomfortable. Face your fears and fight.

If we let our past keep us from growing, we stop making the world a better place. If we bunker down and reject everyone who thinks differently from us, or who disagrees with us, or who causes us problems, we aren't helping ourselves. And while we shouldn't be so open that we allow ourselves to be swayed by every crazy pop-culture idea, we also don't want to be closed off to actual good growth and progress. 

The reality is, the majority of us will bunker down and live our lives the way we feel most comfortable.

Photo by Zhang Kenny on Unsplash

Does God Speak to Sinners?

Can "Bad" People Have Spiritual Gifts?

You see it in church all the time; Minister Smith comes to a new church and people see that Smith clearly has a gift to preach, and even has sharp prophetic senses. Smith must be an inherently good person to have been entrusted with such giftings. Therefore we should trust him. But then it turns out, Smith has some really huge vices, and because of this he also has major insecurities which cause him to put others down and even make them feel small in a way that makes him look better and more righteous. This is how a lot of people in the church get hurt; they trust a stranger to lead because they see spiritual giftings before knowing the person's character, and end up in spiritually abusive situations.

Or... Pastor Luke has had an affair with the church secretary. Suddenly everything Luke has preached and everything he's accomplished in the church is a lie. This is another way people get hurt--they were relying on that ultra-righteous person to set an example for them, because they had idealistic and unrealistic expectations. Luke was their last hope of good in the world. So when Luke fails, their faith fails. 

Or better yet, Aunt Mary tells you what the Lord spoke to her about last week, but you know she is a huge gossip, and has used this to sabotage others before. Get on her bad side, and your life gets turned around. She's far from "moral" as much as she likes to lie to herself about it, so obviously God doesn't speak to her. It's definitely all fake. This is also how a lot of people sabotage their own faith. If God's not speaking to me, he's definitely not speaking to Aunt Mary!

This is all incorrect dogma about the character of God, and the nature of spiritual gifts. The scandalizing reality is that "God's gifts and his call are irrevocable" (Rom 11:29)... Meaning he doesn't take them back. When God gives a gift, he really gives it without stipulation. Hence the word "gift." Secondly--and don't skip over this one--good character is not a prerequisite for spiritual gifts, and thus spiritual gifts are not a sign of good character. And Thirdly, God certainly speaks to sinners--all the time!

If you read just the first 3 chapters of the Bible you see God speaking to Adam and Eve right after they did the one thing God told them not to do. God kicks them out of the garden, but not before he mercifully makes them garments to wear, and they still live long lives and are blessed with many children. They are still tasked with populating the world.

Next, you see God speaking to Cain right after Cain has murdered his own brother out of jealousy. And does he immediately kill Cain? No. He banishes him. And when Cain says to God, "this is more than I can bear!" for fear that people will kill him, God puts a mark on Cain, which will prevent others from killing him. Cain moves to a place, marries, has children, and builds a whole village.

So far you have God speaking to the first sinners in existence, and then speaking to a murderer. That's only within the first 4 chapters of the Bible.

Moses was a prince who murdered someone and ran away from his sins into Midian... There he found a wife and tried to live a quiet life. God spoke to him in a multitude of ways and chose him to lead the people of Israel out of slavery. 

Jacob was a liar and scammed his own family. Of course, later he got pretty badly scammed himself, but God still blessed him. And further, God spoke to him and continued the bloodline of blessing and promise through him and the woman he loved.

Here's a lesser known story: Eli was a prophet who raised two terrible sons. God was not pleased that he did nothing to discipline them as young men. And because of Eli's neglect, many experienced abuse at the hands of his sons. God then brought Samuel to Eli through another family, and Eli had another chance to raise a young man right, and he did. There were consequences for Eli's neglect, however: both of his sons died in battle, and thus Eli died of grief. But by then he was already an old man. Despite people getting hurt and mistreated, God still, in his mercy, spoke to Eli and worked through him, allowed him to raise up the next prophet, and kept him in this role until his old age. 

David, the king, had an affair, got Bathsheba pregnant, tried to cover it up, but when that failed, in order to avoid controversy, he sent Bathsheba's husband, to the front line of the battle where he would killed. David repented before God for his sin, and took responsibility for his actions by taking Bathsheba as his wife... but the child died. And David's reign was not easy with his other sons who were constantly plotting against him. God still spoke to David and made Bathsheba's son, Solomon, the successor to the throne. And David is still known as "a man after God's heart."

There's a theme emerging...There are always consequences for our actions, but God is a god of restoration.

I have seen some of the worst pastors speak prophetically, and correctly in ways they could not have faked. I have seen worship leaders sing with passion and inspire others towards devotion to God, while abusing those who closely followed them. I have seen good Christian leaders--sharp, educated, and even wise--commit moral failings of the highest degree. And God treats them no differently: in His mercy, he allows them to continue living. He continues to restore them and be merciful to them. he continues to speak to them. Again, there are always consequences for our actions, but there is also always a path to reconciliation. Not everyone follows that path, but that doesn't make God stingy.

Maybe Aunt Mary lied, but maybe she didn't. And if that's the case, maybe this makes you angry because how should Aunt Mary deserve an audience with God, especially since she's worse than you and you've never heard God's voice before in your life (hypothetically speaking). But it should make you grateful, because if God's willing to speak to Aunt Mary, then he's also willing to speak to you. The reality is, God gives generously, and loves unconditionally. And he wants to speak to you.

Photo by Giulia May on Unsplash