Your Kids Are Your First Ministry

Your role as parent is so important, no matter how much the world wants to downplay it.

As a church minister, I love it when people step up to participate and help their church. It's a strong community where many individuals identify with and take ownership of their group. However, this is out of order for those who do it at the expense of the health of their own family, their marriage, or their kids.

I’ve been working with young adults, youth, and kids in the church for almost 20 years now. I have worked with some very troubled kids, and also with those who have strong families. By now, I can tell when a young person has--or doesn't have--parents who invest their time and effort in their lives. It shows. 

A well-parented child has a greater inner stability and self-confidence, even amidst their struggles and quirks and personal obstacles. They might be eager to please, or determined to create chaos, and that might be frustrating for the parent, but it's never too extreme. Furthermore, there's a bit of healthy distance between them and leaders like me because they already have an established safe place to go when real problems arise. This inner stability and safe place helps them avoid SO MANY problems in life. Even just one involved parent can establish this; just imagine the power of two. Imagine the power of a tight-knit family clan working together. I'm telling you, there is a difference, and it shows. I find it a shame when good parents take this for granted. They don't understand the lifelong value of what they have given to their child.

The less parented youth are a different story. They are desperate for attention. Some shoot for negative attention, others for positive. Negative attention-seekers are a bit more obvious. They are prone to sabotage potentially helpful mentor relationships, because despite their need for love and attention, they also find it difficult to trust. They might be determined to create chaos literally everywhere they go. They have anti-social tendencies, and even antagonize others. The ones desperate for positive attention go about it differently. They are desperate to please and also horrified to disappoint whoever is in authority over them. They have the same struggle to trust, but their way of dealing with this is to try to be whatever they think others want them to be; to avoid rejection at all costs. This is a defense mechanism--they are hiding in plain sight. These kids can even be very strong and can handle a lot of responsibility. But when you get to know them, you can sense that extra edge of desperation and need. Some are really good at faking it. Both types of less-parented youth are so incredibly vulnerable, I fear for them.

And in my opinion, the level of neglect often directly correlates. There are always exceptions to the rule, and I always try to give the benefit of the doubt... But the kids without any parents are the most difficult to reach, and usually end up in a life of crime.

The biggest lesson I learned in my years of working with youth, is that the influence I have as a youth minister is merely a drop in the bucket compared to the power that you as parents have in their lives. That often makes me feel helpless. Parents have thrown their kids at our youth programs, hoping we could do what they couldn't, but this is a pipe dream. How can a couple of years in a place with people who don't know you make up for the entirety of your upbringing? The youth might learn something, sure! And maybe they might actually connect with a mentor who can give them some guidance. But sometimes, despite all the hard work we put in, parents themselves can undo all of the progress we make. Even if I put my whole heart and soul into helping a young person, sometimes the damage is simply too great, and my influence isn't enough. I know my work isn't for nothing, and every seed planted is worthwhile, but it has taught me how incredibly powerful the influence of a parent is.

It has also taught me that things could actually turn around, if only the parents knew the power they did have. If what I do can make the smallest difference, the parents can do FAR more. If only parents wanted to make a difference. Many parents are paralyzed by helplessness, feeling like it's too late. You might be right. But if you stop trying--if you give up--you seal their fate, especially if you do so before they are adults. Whether or not you try is the thing for which God will hold you accountable. 

Listen, not every parent is in control of their circumstances. There are so many unfortunate situations. It's usually more complicated than it looks from the outside looking in, and I've learned to withhold judgment. In these cases, all we can do as a good church community is to help these families make the best of it, by protecting them and being there for them. God is a God of mercy and restoration. God will also hold churches accountable for how they treat these broken families. He will not be proud of those churches which shame, ostracize, and criticize, causing even more fragmentation and loss of faith.

I do really struggle when I see fully capable and wonderful parents--good-intentioned, still married, and well-provisioned--who use up their free time to throw themselves into other endeavors thinking they’re doing something for the greater good, but are blinded to what really matters. They have control over their situation, and are fully capable of making different choices, but then their kids come to me with that same desperation just to be noticed. It is difficult for me. I just want to shake the parents and say, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" 

My life's passion is to strengthen and build up the church. But the church is just people. The more I see the seasons of growth and decay of different churches, I have seen what made them strong. It was the families that raised stable children who became pillars of the community, who then build up and support others. Once the families are weak, the church becomes weak. A vital component to building up the church is protecting families. Families need to spend time together. Kids need to see their parents worshiping God. They don't need to be split up every night of the week in programs. People don't need to be taught to constantly set aside the needs of their own families for the sake of the church. This is damaging. It is out of order. It certainly does NOT bring glory or honor to God. So many pastors have felt it necessary to neglect their own families for the "sake of the kingdom," not realizing that their families ARE a real part of that kingdom; their kids are the FUTURE of that kingdom. Neglecting your kids and then shuffling them into a youth group, thinking this will make up for it... that's NOT how it works.

So here's the proper Biblical order of things: we are meant to put our relationship with God first, then take care of ourselves, then our family, and then our ministry work. You're useless to anyone else if you neglect yourself. Your family has no chance if you've given up on you. And your family--if you have one--is the greatest responsibility God has given you. Since most church-goers aren't career ministers, this means working to provide for your family also has to come before the work you do for the church. (for ministers, this can be a tricky balance).

All I really want to say is this: Don't underestimate the influence YOU have on your own children. Because YOU have the greatest influence in your kids'—and even your teens’—lives. I say this even for those of you who feel like your kids don't listen, and they constantly resist you. I say this even to the parents who have been dealt a tough hand. This is only a season. Your love MATTERS. They are never beyond your influence! What you do and say matters. So do and say the things you can while you still can! Whether or not they actually accept what you have to say, say it anyway. You can't control the outcome, but do the hard work anyway. Take the risks and say the hard things. Don't abandon your sons and daughters while you still have them! Give up the other lesser commitments and spend the time with your family, even if their arms are crossed the whole time. You don't have to be perfect: love covers a multitude of sins.

Photo by Patricia Prudente on Unsplash