God Preserves His Word

To Spiritual Leaders Who are Afraid of Formal Education...

I have learned to become the kind of person who will confront my friends with honesty when they talk about their philosophies. I learned this from Israelis when I worked in Jerusalem. Israelis have the most directly confrontational culture in the world (according the book The Culture Map by Erin Meyer). Of course, some of you have experienced my confrontation, and even my rebuke, and it hasn’t always been pleasant. I’m talking specifically to my American and Canadian friends, because I know how much our cultures lack a framework for healthy confrontation, and how much we need it. And because of this lack, our only tool to confront tends to be passive aggression, and we only know how to take direct confrontation as an attack. Our usual response is to lash out bitterly, and it’s not pretty. So, I’m grateful for those of you who have assumed the best of me and taken the time to wrestle with me about these themes. If I’ve confronted you with honest inquiry or critique, it’s only because I believe in you, because I care about you, and I think it's important to address what you’re talking about…

So, with that said, many of my friends were or have become Christian spiritual leaders, and I have confronted several of them in the last half decade. And among all these conversations, I’m now noticing a trend. When I start to argue points by bringing in information that comes from my education on the material we are dealing with, I have gotten the same frustrated response from those who are not formally educated, which is a phrase like this: “But Susan, you don’t have to have a university degree to understand the Word of God.” I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this over the years. Technically, I agree with this statement. The Bible is accessible to everyone, and contains a very simple message; it’s mostly comprised of stories and pictures so that even a child can learn something. But there should be a massive difference between a child and a spiritual leader. What I really hear is an excuse for not knowing what they’re talking about. 

When we identify ourselves as spiritual leaders, teachers, or preachers of the Word, we need to be at a level beyond the layperson's understanding of the word. Years of experience in church is good, but it's not enough for teaching if we never learn the basic practice of good hermeneutics. And I'm realizing this is rarer than I'd hoped...

Sure, it’s very possible for one to be well educated without having obtained a formal university degree. However, people who can do this—and do it well—are rare. Just developing a good standard for what resources are legitimate and which ones are not is half the battle. Most of us need to be guided along so we don’t stray too far into the pseudo-sciences, or away from foundational Biblical principles, thinking we know more than even the educated. How can we know if we’re on the right track without fellow believers to challenge and sharpen us? If every church is turning you away, either all the churches you've approached are wrong—or you're wrong! If "no one else" is teaching this stuff, you've probably veered from the center. There is a scholarly way to study and interpret the Bible that has been well-established over time (it's called hermeneutics), and those of us who teach should seek to be educated in this practice. You must first learn the rules to understand why you might choose to break them. This is true of almost every worthy pursuit.

Those who identify themselves as teachers of the Word should never use the above excuse--that the word should be easy to understand--to validate their lack of education. And unfortunately, I know too many spiritual leaders and lone wolves trying to preach their message, who are proud that they don’t have a formal education. They see themselves as somehow untainted by the “problems of the mainstream church” (another oft-thrown-around phrase). They think they have avoided being influenced by Satan. And listen, I am well aware of the problems, and I know there are massive trends that can go wildly wrong. But if we set ourselves against the church, we are setting ourselves against the body of Christ itself. And the problems that touch our universities and mainstream churches are the same ones that are embedded in our society, and all of us are touched and tainted by them. One must either get a quality education or leave his own society for some years (or both!) in order to properly see what those problems are, and some of us still never see them. At least one of the big problems in our society is this very pride and lack of education, which usually leads us—and consequently our followers—away from our Biblical foundation.

Make no mistake; the goal of the church is to preach the gospel and make disciples. That is our primary directive from Jesus himself. Of course, we’re allowed to preach and teach about every part of scripture, and it’s all valid. We’re welcome to have a very specified or even obscure expertise and teach about it. But if your life’s main message and/or focus is not about the gospel—specifically the person of Jesus Christ and the good news about his death on the cross, his resurrection, and the dispensation of Holy Spirit—if this is not your life’s main focus as a pastor or teacher or just as a Christian, you have strayed away from your foundation. I hear many people say “those are just the basics,” and they feel that mature Christians should move past this basic gospel teaching, looking for something “deeper,” to learn or teach about in order to grow or gain maturity. But the gospel is at the center of everything. It is both simple and deep. There are layers upon layers that can be unfolded. The gospel is the basis of our worship. The Old and New Testament scriptures all point to Christ. If you are a New Covenant Christian, every part of scripture should be read through the lens of the cross. Every prophetic inkling should in some way point us to Christ.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 2:1-2, “And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. ²For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. (NIV)” This is one scripture that many use to justify not being educated. And it's true; Paul may not have had all the human wisdom and eloquence. But let’s not forget, Paul only began preaching the gospel after spending years studying it with disciples who learned from Jesus. And Paul was a very well-educated Jew before he began preaching the gospel. He understood the scriptures extensively, which was why he had a unique ability to explain the significance of Old Testament themes and how they point us to the cross. God knew what he was doing when he chose Paul. Paul was not as erudite as, say, Apollos, but he was indeed educated.

God expects teachers of scripture to have a deeper, more expansive knowledge of the Word. James 3:1 says “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. (NIV)” If we truly value God’s word, and aspire to teach it, we should be devoted to the proper study of it. 2 Timothy 2:15 also says, “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. (NIV)” Because in the end, we are accountable to God, and no one else (Hebrews 4:13).

I know that formal education doesn’t guarantee you will know the right things... or that you won’t stray into problems, heresy or even bad doctrine. We are all susceptible. And plenty of schools out there are in many ways compromised. I am not blind to that fact. But there are problems and strengths on both sides of the camp. The real sin is pride: whether you have no formal education and that makes you proud you’re “unsullied” by the doctrinal pitfalls of the educated, or you're proud that you are "better" than others because of your education. Both are sinful attitudes. Once you’ve reached this point of pride, you become rigid and cease to be teachable. In this state, the educated become hypocrites and the unlearned become stubborn. It requires humility to learn something new. And with scripture, we can never fully "arrive" at all the knowledge of it. We can, however, learn the foundations of it, upon which we can build. And God can use both conventional and unconventional ways to teach us. Nothing is beyond his reach.

But I am talking more specifically to those who avoid education. I am pointing out the irony of a teacher who hasn't learned. You don't even know what you don't know.  Many people have gone before you and done the very same things you are doing, teaching the same themes you are teaching, but you don't know about them because you haven't studied church history. And that means you will repeat their mistakes; you can't even see how far you are straying, or what fruit your message brings forth, or the destruction you will bring upon the people you influence...

We need Biblical scholars! We need to learn from them! They teach us how to properly interpret the word, because they know it backwards and forwards. They have contended with the theologians of the past, and studied how the books of the Bible came together. They can teach you how to do this! 

Scholars know why certain writings and teachings were rejected by the church over the years. They see what truths have remained stable across the centuries. They can see the overall picture of how churches and even societies become stale and how God brings about revival. They teach us how our predecessors understood the word, all the way back to the apostles. They show us how other ideologies and philosophies have influenced Christianity in different cultures over the centuries. They show us how we have been influenced by our own culture. They help us to understand the Jewish mindset so we can properly understand Jesus, and what he and all the Jewish gospel writers meant in their day. They bring us back to the original meanings of scripture in the Hebrew and Greek, and open our eyes to the truths embedded within; what these verses truly meant before we imposed our Western and Greco-rational thinking upon them. Good Biblical scholars call us back to our foundations. These are people who have seen real ancient Biblical manuscripts with their own eyes, studied every millimeter of the pages in fear and reverence, compared them with others, learned the original languages, and wrestled with the meanings and translations in prayer. They are among the most qualified to strengthen our understanding and to help keep us from falling off the theological wagon.

Satan wants us to think everyone everywhere has been corrupted so we are too afraid to reach out to others and learn the deeper depths of scripture. He wants us to trust only obscure sources so we are distracted and led away from the truth. He wants us to end up alone, paranoid, and afraid of challenge which would make us stronger. We wants us to become useless to the world. If you want to teach, but are too stubborn to learn the established way to properly study the Bible, or are too afraid to search for a good school or training program, I dare say that Satan’s work has succeeded in you. Take this as an honest rebuke from a friend. 

It takes faith to trust that God will lead us through our studies, and faith to trust that God will bring us good teachers. Contrary to what it may seem, not all schools have succumbed to the pressures, and not all teachers have bowed to the demands of the mob. Not all churches have bowed to the “mainstream” ideas. There are still amazing, Christ-centered people out there; people still doing God's work. If God exists, then these good and faithful people exist all over the world. If we are called to teach, we should join their ranks. We should seek out their knowledge. We should treasure their knowledge!

We should ask God for the faith to believe that He can and will preserve His word, and for the faith that he has preserved it throughout the centuries. And we should ask God that our faith in His ability to do so is stronger than our faith in Satan’s ability to obscure it. 

Photo by RUT MIIT on Unsplash

Your Kids Are Your First Ministry

Your role as parent is so important, no matter how much the world wants to downplay it.

As a church minister, I love it when people step up to participate and help their church. It's a strong community where many individuals identify with and take ownership of their group. However, this is out of order for those who do it at the expense of the health of their own family, their marriage, or their kids.

I’ve been working with young adults, youth, and kids in the church for almost 20 years now. I have worked with some very troubled kids, and also with those who have strong families. By now, I can tell when a young person has--or doesn't have--parents who invest their time and effort in their lives. It shows. 

A well-parented child has a greater inner stability and self-confidence, even amidst their struggles and quirks and personal obstacles. They might be eager to please, or determined to create chaos, and that might be frustrating for the parent, but it's never too extreme. Furthermore, there's a bit of healthy distance between them and leaders like me because they already have an established safe place to go when real problems arise. This inner stability and safe place helps them avoid SO MANY problems in life. Even just one involved parent can establish this; just imagine the power of two. Imagine the power of a tight-knit family clan working together. I'm telling you, there is a difference, and it shows. I find it a shame when good parents take this for granted. They don't understand the lifelong value of what they have given to their child.

The less parented youth are a different story. They are desperate for attention. Some shoot for negative attention, others for positive. Negative attention-seekers are a bit more obvious. They are prone to sabotage potentially helpful mentor relationships, because despite their need for love and attention, they also find it difficult to trust. They might be determined to create chaos literally everywhere they go. They have anti-social tendencies, and even antagonize others. The ones desperate for positive attention go about it differently. They are desperate to please and also horrified to disappoint whoever is in authority over them. They have the same struggle to trust, but their way of dealing with this is to try to be whatever they think others want them to be; to avoid rejection at all costs. This is a defense mechanism--they are hiding in plain sight. These kids can even be very strong and can handle a lot of responsibility. But when you get to know them, you can sense that extra edge of desperation and need. Some are really good at faking it. Both types of less-parented youth are so incredibly vulnerable, I fear for them.

And in my opinion, the level of neglect often directly correlates. There are always exceptions to the rule, and I always try to give the benefit of the doubt... But the kids without any parents are the most difficult to reach, and usually end up in a life of crime.

The biggest lesson I learned in my years of working with youth, is that the influence I have as a youth minister is merely a drop in the bucket compared to the power that you as parents have in their lives. That often makes me feel helpless. Parents have thrown their kids at our youth programs, hoping we could do what they couldn't, but this is a pipe dream. How can a couple of years in a place with people who don't know you make up for the entirety of your upbringing? The youth might learn something, sure! And maybe they might actually connect with a mentor who can give them some guidance. But sometimes, despite all the hard work we put in, parents themselves can undo all of the progress we make. Even if I put my whole heart and soul into helping a young person, sometimes the damage is simply too great, and my influence isn't enough. I know my work isn't for nothing, and every seed planted is worthwhile, but it has taught me how incredibly powerful the influence of a parent is.

It has also taught me that things could actually turn around, if only the parents knew the power they did have. If what I do can make the smallest difference, the parents can do FAR more. If only parents wanted to make a difference. Many parents are paralyzed by helplessness, feeling like it's too late. You might be right. But if you stop trying--if you give up--you seal their fate, especially if you do so before they are adults. Whether or not you try is the thing for which God will hold you accountable. 

Listen, not every parent is in control of their circumstances. There are so many unfortunate situations. It's usually more complicated than it looks from the outside looking in, and I've learned to withhold judgment. In these cases, all we can do as a good church community is to help these families make the best of it, by protecting them and being there for them. God is a God of mercy and restoration. God will also hold churches accountable for how they treat these broken families. He will not be proud of those churches which shame, ostracize, and criticize, causing even more fragmentation and loss of faith.

I do really struggle when I see fully capable and wonderful parents--good-intentioned, still married, and well-provisioned--who use up their free time to throw themselves into other endeavors thinking they’re doing something for the greater good, but are blinded to what really matters. They have control over their situation, and are fully capable of making different choices, but then their kids come to me with that same desperation just to be noticed. It is difficult for me. I just want to shake the parents and say, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" 

My life's passion is to strengthen and build up the church. But the church is just people. The more I see the seasons of growth and decay of different churches, I have seen what made them strong. It was the families that raised stable children who became pillars of the community, who then build up and support others. Once the families are weak, the church becomes weak. A vital component to building up the church is protecting families. Families need to spend time together. Kids need to see their parents worshiping God. They don't need to be split up every night of the week in programs. People don't need to be taught to constantly set aside the needs of their own families for the sake of the church. This is damaging. It is out of order. It certainly does NOT bring glory or honor to God. So many pastors have felt it necessary to neglect their own families for the "sake of the kingdom," not realizing that their families ARE a real part of that kingdom; their kids are the FUTURE of that kingdom. Neglecting your kids and then shuffling them into a youth group, thinking this will make up for it... that's NOT how it works.

So here's the proper Biblical order of things: we are meant to put our relationship with God first, then take care of ourselves, then our family, and then our ministry work. You're useless to anyone else if you neglect yourself. Your family has no chance if you've given up on you. And your family--if you have one--is the greatest responsibility God has given you. Since most church-goers aren't career ministers, this means working to provide for your family also has to come before the work you do for the church. (for ministers, this can be a tricky balance).

All I really want to say is this: Don't underestimate the influence YOU have on your own children. Because YOU have the greatest influence in your kids'—and even your teens’—lives. I say this even for those of you who feel like your kids don't listen, and they constantly resist you. I say this even to the parents who have been dealt a tough hand. This is only a season. Your love MATTERS. They are never beyond your influence! What you do and say matters. So do and say the things you can while you still can! Whether or not they actually accept what you have to say, say it anyway. You can't control the outcome, but do the hard work anyway. Take the risks and say the hard things. Don't abandon your sons and daughters while you still have them! Give up the other lesser commitments and spend the time with your family, even if their arms are crossed the whole time. You don't have to be perfect: love covers a multitude of sins.

Photo by Patricia Prudente on Unsplash

Comfort Is Not a Virtue

 ... and neither is convenience...

If we look hard at several of our pop culture mores, the end goal is to make a person comfortable. And while that sounds nice and all, in many cases it's actually unhealthy. Comfort has to do with keeping things the way they are, and all change is uncomfortable. We have the older generation who wants the "good old days," which is romanticized because they are forgetting the hardships they faced. And we have the younger generation seeking validation for the way they feel inside--seeking to feel comfortable with themselves--which only prevents them from growing as people, because growth is also uncomfortable. Growth produces change. The way you feel inside as a kid should change as you grow. If it doesn't... you're not growing.

It sucks to have your whole worldview rocked. It is very uncomfortable to realize you've been wrong for part of your life. It's also very uncomfortable to realize the people you hate are right. It's also difficult to accept wisdom and knowledge from people who are problematic (just because you hate someone, doesn't mean they're always wrong). But it's only the people who are open to learning, growing, and progressing who embrace discomfort and actually grow. When you reach a status quo and stay there, you're in danger of stagnating. And that's very comfortable.

Anything worth doing or worth having requires a certain level of discomfort. 

For some of us, it's harder than others. We've grown up in discomfort. We've lived in instability, in abuse and injustice for so long, all we want is just some sense of "normal." It's easy to take our experiences, make conclusions about them, and clamp down where we are. It's easy to stop forgiving. It's easy to stop trusting people, It's quite comfortable to become curmudgeons and start defining our world by the narrow circumstances we've experienced. It's tempting because we've had to be so malleable all our lives, we just need some stability. But that's the end of growth. That's the end of progress.

It's also uncomfortable to fight for things we want and need. It's uncomfortable to raise our voices to fight for ourselves. It's especially risky to fight for people we love and care about... It's easier to be passive, to let people go, judge them as hopeless, give up and move on. It's easy to keep everyone an arm's length away, and save our vulnerabilities for when we're alone in our own bed, swimming in our own thoughts... It's extremely uncomfortable to reach out and risk offending someone to tell them the truth.

This isn't a post to shame you for doing things that make your life more comfortable. Comfort isn't bad. We need it. It's just not a virtue. It shouldn't be upheld as one. This also is NOT meant to shame anyone for needing stability: that's a legitimate need. This is also NOT a post to shame people who have drawn healthy boundaries between themselves and people who are destructive. This is a post about stagnation; for those who are alone, tempted to cocoon deeper into yourselves and isolate. It's for those drowning out their problems with things which only delay dealing with them. It's for those who are spending all their free time on devices, subjecting themselves to the slow brain rot of distraction. This is for those who are about to give up on things that are worth fighting for because it hurts. STAND UP. Get uncomfortable. Face your fears and fight.

If we let our past keep us from growing, we stop making the world a better place. If we bunker down and reject everyone who thinks differently from us, or who disagrees with us, or who causes us problems, we aren't helping ourselves. And while we shouldn't be so open that we allow ourselves to be swayed by every crazy pop-culture idea, we also don't want to be closed off to actual good growth and progress. 

The reality is, the majority of us will bunker down and live our lives the way we feel most comfortable.

Photo by Zhang Kenny on Unsplash

Does God Speak to Sinners?

Can "Bad" People Have Spiritual Gifts?

You see it in church all the time; Minister Smith comes to a new church and people see that Smith clearly has a gift to preach, and even has sharp prophetic senses. Smith must be an inherently good person to have been entrusted with such giftings. Therefore we should trust him. But then it turns out, Smith has some really huge vices, and because of this he also has major insecurities which cause him to put others down and even make them feel small in a way that makes him look better and more righteous. This is how a lot of people in the church get hurt; they trust a stranger to lead because they see spiritual giftings before knowing the person's character, and end up in spiritually abusive situations.

Or... Pastor Luke has had an affair with the church secretary. Suddenly everything Luke has preached and everything he's accomplished in the church is a lie. This is another way people get hurt--they were relying on that ultra-righteous person to set an example for them, because they had idealistic and unrealistic expectations. Luke was their last hope of good in the world. So when Luke fails, their faith fails. 

Or better yet, Aunt Mary tells you what the Lord spoke to her about last week, but you know she is a huge gossip, and has used this to sabotage others before. Get on her bad side, and your life gets turned around. She's far from "moral" as much as she likes to lie to herself about it, so obviously God doesn't speak to her. It's definitely all fake. This is also how a lot of people sabotage their own faith. If God's not speaking to me, he's definitely not speaking to Aunt Mary!

This is all incorrect dogma about the character of God, and the nature of spiritual gifts. The scandalizing reality is that "God's gifts and his call are irrevocable" (Rom 11:29)... Meaning he doesn't take them back. When God gives a gift, he really gives it without stipulation. Hence the word "gift." Secondly--and don't skip over this one--good character is not a prerequisite for spiritual gifts, and thus spiritual gifts are not a sign of good character. And Thirdly, God certainly speaks to sinners--all the time!

If you read just the first 3 chapters of the Bible you see God speaking to Adam and Eve right after they did the one thing God told them not to do. God kicks them out of the garden, but not before he mercifully makes them garments to wear, and they still live long lives and are blessed with many children. They are still tasked with populating the world.

Next, you see God speaking to Cain right after Cain has murdered his own brother out of jealousy. And does he immediately kill Cain? No. He banishes him. And when Cain says to God, "this is more than I can bear!" for fear that people will kill him, God puts a mark on Cain, which will prevent others from killing him. Cain moves to a place, marries, has children, and builds a whole village.

So far you have God speaking to the first sinners in existence, and then speaking to a murderer. That's only within the first 4 chapters of the Bible.

Moses was a prince who murdered someone and ran away from his sins into Midian... There he found a wife and tried to live a quiet life. God spoke to him in a multitude of ways and chose him to lead the people of Israel out of slavery. 

Jacob was a liar and scammed his own family. Of course, later he got pretty badly scammed himself, but God still blessed him. And further, God spoke to him and continued the bloodline of blessing and promise through him and the woman he loved.

Here's a lesser known story: Eli was a prophet who raised two terrible sons. God was not pleased that he did nothing to discipline them as young men. And because of Eli's neglect, many experienced abuse at the hands of his sons. God then brought Samuel to Eli through another family, and Eli had another chance to raise a young man right, and he did. There were consequences for Eli's neglect, however: both of his sons died in battle, and thus Eli died of grief. But by then he was already an old man. Despite people getting hurt and mistreated, God still, in his mercy, spoke to Eli and worked through him, allowed him to raise up the next prophet, and kept him in this role until his old age. 

David, the king, had an affair, got Bathsheba pregnant, tried to cover it up, but when that failed, in order to avoid controversy, he sent Bathsheba's husband, to the front line of the battle where he would killed. David repented before God for his sin, and took responsibility for his actions by taking Bathsheba as his wife... but the child died. And David's reign was not easy with his other sons who were constantly plotting against him. God still spoke to David and made Bathsheba's son, Solomon, the successor to the throne. And David is still known as "a man after God's heart."

There's a theme emerging...There are always consequences for our actions, but God is a god of restoration.

I have seen some of the worst pastors speak prophetically, and correctly in ways they could not have faked. I have seen worship leaders sing with passion and inspire others towards devotion to God, while abusing those who closely followed them. I have seen good Christian leaders--sharp, educated, and even wise--commit moral failings of the highest degree. And God treats them no differently: in His mercy, he allows them to continue living. He continues to restore them and be merciful to them. he continues to speak to them. Again, there are always consequences for our actions, but there is also always a path to reconciliation. Not everyone follows that path, but that doesn't make God stingy.

Maybe Aunt Mary lied, but maybe she didn't. And if that's the case, maybe this makes you angry because how should Aunt Mary deserve an audience with God, especially since she's worse than you and you've never heard God's voice before in your life (hypothetically speaking). But it should make you grateful, because if God's willing to speak to Aunt Mary, then he's also willing to speak to you. The reality is, God gives generously, and loves unconditionally. And he wants to speak to you.

Photo by Giulia May on Unsplash

Germany Update #2

So far in Germany, I've mostly shared about my experience as an expat in a foreign country, but I haven't been very good about giving regular updates about what we're actually doing here. For those of you who don't know, Dustin and I work as music and youth pastors at a growing church here in the southwest of Germany. We are in our third year (currently 2 years and 8 months). It's been a challenge full of both difficulties and blessings. 

Heidelberg, where our church is located

We moved to a new country during a pandemic, started a new job, adjusted to a new culture, learned a new language (still learning), slowly gathered furniture for our home, learned how to drive manual, and are slowly but surely establishing ourselves in a community.  *whew*

First, I should say, I love my job. We are able to work with people making music, worshiping together, teaching about worship, leadership, and the gospel, and we help navigate the challenges of a thriving, growing community. And because we are from the US, they give us a long leash--more vacation time to visit our family and our friends abroad. The job itself is flexible, we can work partially from home. And we've somehow managed to help develop their worship and youth programs despite a massive language barrier. We also live well because of the support and love from the community. When I need a tool, I call my neighbor. When I need a ride, I can call a friend. When I need help on a project, I can gather a group. And on the flip side, when they need me, I'm much more happy and willing to be there for them. This form of interdependence was hard to adjust to, since I grew up so used to being an island. It broke my pride a lot, not being able to do everything myself (and having so many people do things for us), but now this interdependence is probably the thing I love the most about this new culture.

The back of our sanctuary on a Sunday afternoon last January.

It's impossible to talk about our experience without discussing the challenges we faced during the pandemic.

Corona regulations of masking and distancing, quarantining and curfews--these were all things which discouraged and damaged community life. These things also had psychological effects. Our church decided at the start to try to meet as often as possible as much as the regulations would allow. And not many were against their decisions (to my surprise, having been in an American context where lately people are split down the middle on almost everything). And Germans really follow the rules. Some allowed themselves to become so isolated, they started to have mental breakdowns and even suicidal thoughts. Despite all that, we still somehow saw spiritual growth. We continued to have slow growth in numbers. Young families were still joining the church. Even now, God is doing the work of growth, and we are simply helping to manage it. 

It feels like it's only been a few months since we finally reached a normal level of physical touch and interaction. Sometimes it's still awkward with people, and I still have to ask if hugs are okay (we are huggers at church, if you didn't know).

Part of our job ended up being to help people deal with psychological damage from prolonged absence of physical touch, and in some cases--human contact. And most of the damage happened to our teens. When we started the teen group, we could sense the intense anxiety and so we intentionally bent the rules for their sake. I've worked with youth for over a decade, and one thing I know, young teens need physical and verbal affection. I won't go into detail about how we specifically bent the rules, but I will say that for three years, our teens spent their entire weeks either at home in front of a screen, or with barriers between them and others. They learned to be hesitant to be around people, and scared of contact. Their anxiety levels were through the roof. They were struggling to cope, and some even struggling with suicidal thoughts, directly because of the lack of contact. All this during their formative years. 

So we bent the rules and didn't keep it a secret. The parents knew we were bending the rules and never complained, despite their strict adherence to those rules themselves... They let us keep on doing it for the young people, and kept sending their kids to us, because they knew their kids needed it.  We were a small oasis of *some* normalcy for them and the parents continued to express their appreciation for us being there. 

It's a tradition for the preteens in a German church to go through a confirmation class. It's a year-long class where they learn about the basic tenets of their faith. Almost everyone goes through a confirmation class, even if they don't consider themselves believers. They usually have one retreat and one graduation ceremony at the end of the year. Our church also has them host one Sunday service to experience the duties of the church. The first year, Dustin and I sat in for some of these classes to get to know the kids, and learn how it's done.

Our teens in their confirmation class during semi-lockdowns 2021

Luckily the pandemic regulations started to relax, and we were able to take our youth on their retreat that first year. During that retreat, we had to take a corona test every morning as a precautionary measure, just to be allowed to be together. One morning at the breakfast table, a boy tested positive. I watched him crumble in horror and humiliation as his friends began scooting their chairs away from him. This was a special trip which every German kids expects to experience in their preteen life, and his had come to an abrupt end. His mom was there within 2 hours to pick him up (no one else got sick). I had never seen any moment like that in my life, where someone became a pariah to their group in a matter of seconds. I will never forget it. I know that was a trauma for him. I know it was extremely difficult for our leaders to enforce. And I know the pandemic caused our teens to experience a lot of other small traumas like this one. That can add up across two, three years.

Outside of this, we made the best of it and had a great time.

some of our preteens playing games at the retreat 2022

I also attempted a project choir for Christmas our first year. It was a big challenge to learn a whole new set of Christmas songs in a new language, and then to find decent and simple sheet music for a choir, and then to teach them in a language I was just learning. Most of what I found was in this extreme classical form. Poor Dustin ended up spending a lot of hours helping me arrange parts and make the sheet music. So a lot of blood, sweat, and tears--and so many more hours than I expected--went into preparing for the choir. 

The act of directing the choir itself was also challenging because the corona cases went up as the weather got colder, so the severity of the rules also followed. We started in October, and decided to go as far as we could go. We started with 20 enthusiastic people, but with each new constraint people started dropping out. First we had to stand apart from each other, then we had to wear masks. Then we had to bring in the air purifier (which was loud), and then we had to test before each session. I had to direct people who could barely hear each other, and couldn't breath while singing with their masks on (it's impossible). And with the increasing amount of cases, people just didn't want to take the risk. If going to choir meant the possibility of getting corona and having to remove yourself from society for two weeks, while trying to somehow maintain a job and a family, it's just not worth it. That's way too invasive. For our actual Christmas Eve performance, our choir was down to five brave souls. And I was incredibly proud of them. We will probably attempt another choir this fall, if no corona regulations start to resurface.

Part of this experience has been learning about the German culture. Our process was a bit prolonged, with everyone being in lockdown half the year, for the first two years. So we continue to discover layers of cultural differences. 

Germans are a concept-first culture, and Americans are a learn-by-doing culture. So there is quite a rub when we jump into a thing without explaining it first, which has happened... We didn't know what we didn't know, and others couldn't explain the problem, because they didn't know what we didn't know! We all assumed we understood the same things, but that was often not the case! It wasn't until we were in a feedback meeting later in our second year that I realized there was a huge misunderstanding between us and our department members. And I was so glad that it came to light, because then we were able to address it. And we did! We called our whole worship department into a meeting and talked about it: we shared our strategy, explained our cultural differences and how they played out, acknowledged the misunderstanding, acknowledged the consequences of our ignorance, dispelled any false narratives that resulted from it, and laid out our strategy to fix it. A lot of time and prayer went into this. I spent a whole week writing the presentation for that meeting, and working with a friend to translate it into German so that there were no misunderstandings. Already we had wonderful people who were super gracious with us, but after that, it felt like we had a clearer understanding and a deeper level of trust between us.

Dustin and I speaking on a Sunday 2021.

When you enter a new country, and you work with a community of people, you need to understand the flow of a year for people. Because this determines when you plan things so that the most people can attend. You need to know when most people are taking vacations, when they're the busiest, and what the expectations are for the holidays. And holidays are a very big part of the activity of church. So this has been an interesting process. Because of the pandemic, I haven't really started to learn the flow until this year, and now they have me planning the whole year in advance. Despite running an international ministry in the past, outside of special events and holiday celebrations, I've never been more than 6-months planned in advance. It can be overwhelming thinking through the whole year, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. Surely not without help. I've relied on specific people to help me navigate through this process.

Our pastor, Gregor, and his wife Kathrin, have been a huge support to us. Gregor has basically taught us how to do church in Germany, and Kathrin has personally helped me through some tough personal situations. Gregor has been super patient with us as we navigate the many challenges. Because of the language barrier, sometimes I missed meeting times, or confused days of the week, missed the whole gist of a topic of discussion (this still happens). Other times, I was responsible for something and didn't realize it (they thought I knew, and I didn't know I didn't know). Gregor has also fought for us in times of confusion, when people didn't understand us, and we literally couldn't explain ourselves in their language. Germans generally don't give a lot of affirmation (in my experience they struggle with giving it and even receiving it), and yet I have never felt so valued by a supervisor and a community.

Dustin has also been training a youth band. They started a year and a half ago, and some of them didn't even know how to play their instruments. But now they are a fully functioning music band and are almost ready to integrate into the main worship department. He has really done an excellent job, and we're about to start the next one.

In both our areas of ministry, music and youth, I am happy to see good things coming about. Our worship leaders are really catching what it means to flow in worship. They are growing and being challenged and becoming more free in their musical expression. This makes our work worth it. I also see that our teens have developed strong bonds and are genuinely good friends with each other. I've seen their anxiety and self-consciousness erode, and they are much more relaxed with each other. Having like-minded friends who support you--and with whom you can relax and be genuine--is the basis of a healthy community. Dustin and I are happy to have been able to facilitate that.

Our regular work schedule also allows us to get the rest we need. Germany (and I think most of Europe) has a different flow for employees than what we're used to. Every employee automatically gets one month of vacation days. If you include weekends, this adds up to roughly 6 weeks in a year. Because we are expats, our church gives us more vacation time to allow for visiting our family and friends across the globe. And the work expectations in ministry here are different. Our pastor expects us to have a sabbath day every week, and he expects us to draw boundaries and only attend events that we have the capacity for. He and the church elders check in with us to make sure we aren't over-working (in ministry, the tendency is always to do more, because the community always has needs). They've also given us a raise to help with expenses since the price of gas (and therefore heating) has risen due to the Ukraine war. The way they are able to care for us does a lot towards making me feel valued. And because of these things, Dustin and I are able to invest in our marriage and spend more time together. We have grown closer.

Despite the immense challenges of entering a new culture, I am able to see good coming out of our time here so far. I am very thankful for this season of life.

Here's a few more random things (I want to show more pictures of people, but they don't like to put their faces on social media.)

Tea time at a friend's house, with the view of Holy Spirit Church in Heidelberg 2022

A decked-out German breakfast table: candles, cake, fresh-baked bread rolls, and a selection of meats, cheeses, eggs, juices, tea, coffee, mineral water, and jams.

The river park in Heidelberg (the Neckarwiese)

A raised trail near our house that we walk/run for exercise

The view from our living room window

Hot German Summers

 Living with no A/C

The last 2 years, we've only spent part of the summers here in Germany, so we've mostly missed the really hot days. This year, we're sticking it out and it's quite miserable, let me just say...

I acknowledge that the actual temperatures are cooler than other places I've lived. In Jerusalem, it's 90 degree (32C) weather every day for 3 quarters of the year. In Oklahoma, it can get up to a miserable 113 degrees (45C). In Arizona it's basically 90 (32C) through most of the year and can get up to a sweltering 120 (49C) during the summer. In Jerusalem and Arizona, it was arid or desert heat, which guarantees cool mornings and evenings (a relief!). In Oklahoma, it didn't cool down. It's just a miserable humid heat. I used to hate going outside. As a teen in Tulsa I hated summers. 

But in all these places there was one thing in common: air conditioning. No matter where I was, I could always come home and cool down, and live comfortably. I could wear or do whatever I wanted because at some point, I would be able to cool down and stay cool. I only had to discriminate when I knew I was spending the day outside.

Here in Germany, at this point in august we're in the 90s (32C) range, and it's only cooling down to the 70s (21C) range for a few hours at night, which means the house is warm most of the day, and barely cools down in the evenings. You are guaranteed to sweat all. day. long. As I said before, Dustin and I experienced a couple of days like this in the past, but then it was over and we were gone during the hottest part of summer. Now we are experiencing it in full force, and I'm learning a few things about why Germans do what they do. 

First, when you know you can't cool down in your house, you don't want to move at all. But that's utterly impossible, so you start to find creative ways to cool down out of the house. I knew community swimming pools were a big deal here, but now I understand why they're so huge in size, why there's so many of them, and why they're constantly full of people. Dustin and I are going swimming almost every day during the hottest part of the day. They also swim in the small lakes, which they call, "bathing lakes," or "Badesee." 

I knew Germans loved their Italian ice cream (gelato), but now I understand why the ice cream places are always packed, and why people make it a ritual to go get ice cream in the afternoon/evenings when most other stores are closed. Because some of the few other ways to get relief are to visit grocery stores, and other large stores/malls, sit in your car, or simply take a cold shower and sit in front of a fan. Unless, of course, you have AC in your house, which isn't common... but apparently more and more people are getting it because the summers have been increasingly hotter in the last decade(s?). 

I have been told that in the past, this area might only have a couple of "tropical nights" as they say, but then it cools down. But now it's consecutive days. And I don't think the collective psyche is adjusting to the changes... People keep saying, "Oh, it will start cooling down in a few days," but when I check, there is no cool-down in the 10-day forecast, and there hasn't been in the past weeks. Someone even said, "why would I get AC for a couple of days in the summer?" in my head, I thought, "you mean a whole month of pure misery sandwiched between two other slightly cooler months where you have to keep your window blinds closed to stop the sunlight from heating the inside of your home (sucks when you go out and forget!), plan out when you want to cook in a hot sauna of a kitchen, dread going to work because you are hot all the time, and basically look forward to the night when you can finally do things without overheating?"

I helped a friend prep their new house for moving in, and I was painting the walls in 88 degrees (31C). They opened the door and the kitchen window (which were across from each other on other ends of the house) in hopes of a breeze. While I was happy to be there and help, I sweat the entire day working in that house, which made me extra tired.

I haven't mentioned body odor, but lets just say it's understandably more socially acceptable here. I have never smelled people so much in my life...  

I wouldn't want to work in a restaurant, because you're basically in an oven/sauna all day. I feel the heat when I approach the kitchens. I don't know how they cope. I don't even want to cook at home! It's basically a commitment to being in a sauna for 2 hours of the day. And then the room is hot for the rest of the day. Thank God my kitchen is sealed from the rest of the apartment. I mostly don't want to cook. When I do, it's a batch cook for the week. We're eating salad, cold pasta salads, fruit, raw foods, bread, and things which can be heated in the instant pot or microwave. OR we're eating out. It's a whole new diet.

I work in a church, which does not have AC, but at least has a very high ceiling, so the heat rises, and it's at least somewhat bearable to sit in the sanctuary. Still, it's hot. And the stained-glass windows are placed high up just at the right spot so that during church services, the sun is actually beating down on half the seats. It kinda reminds me of the classic Southern Baptist church because all these people have paper fans which they flutter all through service. They actually have a basket of them in the back so you can grab one when you walk through the door. Like others, I have my own which I purchased for this reason.

And clothing... I am learning just this week that polyester summer clothes are a joke. You might as well wear a plastic bag and end up dehydrated come nightfall. It's like wearing a hot suit. I put on an outfit, stand there for a few minutes and find myself suddenly sweating buckets, having a mild panic attack, and then I have to change into something with natural fibers like linen or cotton. So half the summer work clothes I brought here are not wearable. Polyester satin is the worst offender. I'm understanding now why so many women here wear these linen or cotton summer dresses almost exclusively. It's the only bearable thing to wear. It's not a fashion choice, it's a necessity. Some of these women don't wear dresses all year long, so it's almost shocking to see them in the summer. Dustin has had to invest in some linen short-sleeve button down shirts... which have never been his style in the past, but I'll say he found some flattering cuts. He survived this Sunday in pants because he had an electric fan on him at full blast while he played guitar on stage.

Speaking of the fan, other weeks we put the fan there but it got moved or turned off for random reasons: someone else used it for a moment to cool down and forgot to put it back, or this week, a young toddler was roaming around, saw the button and turned it off without anyone noticing. Luckily I happened to see that it was off a minute before service started and turned it back on. Dustin was like, "Oh yeah, oh, thank God!" Because once you start playing your instrument, you're kinda stuck there for the next 20-30 minutes. You can't just stop playing in the middle of the song, unplug yourself from all the wires you're connected to, put your guitar down, walk across the stage and turn on the fan... while the rest of the band and the whole church waits for you. Haha! So previous times, poor Dustin was just soaked in sweat by the end.

But back to trying to wear clothes that make the temps bearable... Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm finally putting an effort into finding clothes that actually flatter my body. I have slowly built up a wardrobe that is working for me... As much as I want to have all natural fibers for environmental reasons, I have admittedly compromised a lot for the sake of affordability and fashion. And I certainly never accounted for the problem of polyester in the heat. But now I see that it's simply not tolerable. So, this summer, I am often scrounging around my wardrobe, trying to find what I can wear that I won't suffer and dehydrate in, but is also presentable for church, and I'm usually unsuccessful (and late for work)... I'm pulling out the few dresses I only wear on special occasions, and they aren't cutting it. They're either slightly less modest than what I'm comfortable with on a church stage (and I won't cover up more to compensate because it's too hot!), or their materials are all wrong for the heat. I've bought 2 dresses, and a couple more were given to me, and they happen to look good! Now I have 4 wearable dresses, which will get me by for a while...

Because of my body type, dresses tend to make me look... matronly... So this is one of my un-explored areas of fashion. I don't intuitively know which cuts will flatter me. I have to try on 50 dresses before I find one that makes me not feel Amish. Even the same style can have a variety of cuts which are unflattering. So it's an ordeal for me to go shopping for them. Hence I have avoided it until now. And everything is polyester now, so it's amazing if I can find a breathable material that flatters me. Ha! I know... first-world problems.

We did finally get an AC unit. Finding the right unit, getting it, and installing it was a whole ordeal of new factors we didn't know to consider, which we put off until this summer (if I'm honest, that was all Dustin's effort). We finally installed it a few days ago. Now that we have it, it's kinda loud and only cools one room. It's boring to bunker down in my bedroom all day, and my ears get worn out from hearing the noise. We can't install it in the living room because of the way the windows are: it's impractical. Furthermore, it uses a lot of power, and the energy prices here have tripled since the war in Ukraine. We're finally starting to feel that, so we are trying to be frugal and only use it when it's practical (i.e. at night when we have to be home and sleep). But it definitely helps me not dread going home, so it's worth it.

What funny is, I thought I was already getting used to not having AC. I thought I'd already had the full experience of no AC in Europe because I went through suffering in other ways, and was noticing differences when I came into air-conditioned places. Sometimes I don't even like AC anymore. But no... this relationship with the heat is on a whole new level. Like, just imagine: the schools, the office buildings, the restaurants, the churches: they aren't air-conditioned either. Even if you're not sweating, your internal heat is just keeping you on the edge of nausea, and there's only fleeting, temporary relief. You can't even look forward to going home and cooling down after a weekend camping or a day outside. Normal activities start to carry a certain feeling of dread... To a European, I know I just sound whiny. They have learned to cope. But I am clearly not used to this. I have lived in hotter places than this and still not had to deal with this.

I suppose I should feel grateful: I have truly been blessed my whole life enough to genuinely not know what it's like to live with the heat.

Sometimes I'm hard on myself, wondering why I can't seem to get myself in order. Why does it still feel like I'm just surviving? This summer I have less work, and yet I feel more exhausted. I often think, "by now I should have this down, so what gives?" Until I take time to think it through, I don't realize just how invasive the new challenges are. This summer living with no AC has been a huge new challenge which has affected everything I do. And this explains why I haven't been able to spend my time the way I normally would. And realizing this helps me be a little more patient with myself. 

Photo by Mateo Krössler on Unsplash

Driving the Autobahn

 Let's Talk About The Autobahn!

I always thought it was some specific stretch of highway somewhere in Germany where everything was perfectly streamlined and there were no speed limits. People would bring it up like it's some beautiful place where only fun is had because you can go as fast as you want, and only the coolest sport cars drive it. But it turns out "autobahn" is just the German word for highway. And let me tell you, it's not fun... for multiple reasons... 

If you're an American reading this, just think about the times you've been on the highway driving in the right lane, and some maniac speeds past you at 95mph, and then basically cuts you off as he moves dangerously close in front of you into your lane and continues speeding down the highway. If you're like me, usually when that happens, it's stressful because you don't like being that close to another car at highway speeds. Plus, they have all this space on the highway, but they choose to cut you off... (maybe you're usually the maniac, and so you won't share my feelings here, hehe) But now imagine that happening every minute: every car in the left lane is just as aggressive as the one before except they are going at a dizzying 140mph (225kmph). The lane is narrow enough that you can feel the wind pushing your car as they pass you, and then they cut you off so close, you might have a measly 4 feet of leeway for a few seconds. They are driving insanely fast and getting aggressively close to you.

THEN imagine the next car in front of you in the slow lane is only going 37mph. It's unbelievable; the unwritten minimum is only 60kmph! That's technically 37mph, and people actually go that slow on the highway! But the mid-tier speed is 95mph! MID-TIER! The soccer moms are driving 95! The stress is unimaginable, people. So your choices are: 1) not getting to your destination in a reasonable amount of time, or 2) try to keep up with the speed-demon maniacs just to pass anyone, and imagining yourself in a fatality crash with the next slowpoke up ahead. You really start trusting your breaks (hope they are in good working order!)... The fastest I've ever driven in my life has been here in Germany and that was somewhere around 96-100mph (155-160kmph). That's as fast as I could stomach...

I borrowed my neighbor's van to drive a group of teens 4 hours northwest to a festival, and he was like, "oh, that's the best thing about the van; you can get up to 225kmph." At the moment, I didn't have any idea what that speed was because I am still not the best at converting, so I was like, "oh cool..." When I finally figured out how fast that is, I thought to myself, "you expect me to drive that fast with a van full of teens?!" I couldn't go more than 145kmph, which is already 90, and horrifying! It didn't help that I'd recently learned to drive manual... Besides, that 4-hour drive was full of traffic jams and construction sites, and only a few stretches of speed-less highway. For a good 30 minutes, we were barely moving.

Here's a few facts about driving in Germany: the autobahn does have speed limits in and around towns, and construction sites. Once you're in town, off the highway, the speeds are painfully slow (by my standards) and they like to hide speed cameras and send you tickets in the mail. You can get a point on your license for being only a fraction of a second too late at a yellow light, many of which are also camera-recorded, and after 3 points, your license is suspended for a number of weeks. It's only when you get outside of town on the highway that the speed limits are removed and you can step on the gas. Then that might be for maybe 10-15 minutes before you get to the next town or find yourself slowed by a construction site or traffic. And some of those construction sites draw their lane lines so narrow, the cars have to stagger (at that point, it's useless and even dangerous to have two lanes). Driving at normal speeds in an incredibly tight construction lane alongside semi trucks is one of the most stressful things... Only if you're driving further distances will you find bigger stretches of speed-less highway, but maybe for an hour, maybe more. Germany isn't that big. It takes 10 hours to span it north to south, and 7 east to west. And it's peppered with small towns and villages. I once found myself on a 4-lane (4 lanes on each side), mostly empty highway, and I felt somewhat comfortable going 100mph, but after an hour it was back to a 2-lane, narrow highway where I had to intimately contend with the slowpokes and the speed demons again. And then it was back to areas that range in speed between 80 -120kmph (50 - 75mph).

My cousin Elyse and I were joking about how you can look behind you to pass into the left lane and see no one, but by the time you get into that lane there's suddenly someone in your rearview mirror, right on your tail. Oh, I haven't even mentioned the tailgating... ugh... 

So, it's not like you're speeding down the vast open road for hours at a time. I'd feel safer illegally speeding down highway 55 through Nevada on the, "loneliest highway in the US," than I would anywhere here in Deutschland, because at least the lanes are wider, and the shoulders fit a full car, and if you veer off, you're not crashing into anything but maybe a road sign or some bushes! I guess the danger there is, if you crash, no one is coming, lol. In Germany, when you want to be a speed demon, you're usually in close proximity to other cars going painfully slow. You can only be a speed demon for a little while and then you have to deal with slowing down and speeding up, and slowing down and speeding up... They are also much more intent about staying in the right lane when you're not passing, so the fast people are constantly weaving in and out of the right lane like frogger... it's so dangerous. People will pull out right in front of you at the last second to pass a slow vehicle, and this is normal. You have to be ready to stop at a dime. I would have expected at least a higher minimum speed, but it's not so! 

Highway 55 in Nevada is called "the loneliest road." Make sure your tank is full, because you won't see a gas station for hours and hours...

My neighbor told me that some politicians have tried to remove the non-speed limit areas in Germany, but that's political suicide. Hah!

Over the last few years, I'd developed a bit of a driving anxiety. Once I got married, we shared a car and I only drove half as often. Then I lived in Israel for 3 years where I was more or less immobile: I walked everywhere, and only drove maybe once every two months. When I did, we never drove for more than 4 hours at a time, and the speed limits were closer to what I was used to. When we moved back to the States, we decided to take a 2-month vacation where we basically lived in our van, driving 8-16 hours from one place to the next (this is when we drove the loneliest road). It was a fun adventure, but I obviously had to face that anxiety, and came to a place where I could cope. But I would still feel mildly uncomfortable, and after a number of hours, the feeling would creep back. It would really surface when we drove at night.

Speaking of coping with anxiety during our 2-month vacation... Dustin had a thing at the beginning where every few hours on the road he would scream at the top of his lungs, and I would almost have a heart attack, and he would laugh so hard... after a few times, I just started bursting into tears... let's just say he realized quickly that it wasn't worth the laughs...

Last month, I traveled back home to attend my sister's wedding and drove 8 of the easiest, most relaxing hours through Detroit and then Toronto, where there was actual space between me and the cars around me, I wasn't getting cut off every few minutes, and could go at my own speed without worry. I didn't even have to think about shifting gears in traffic jams. It was especially easy to navigate rural roads. City drivers are aggressive, don't get me wrong; around Chicago, Detroit, and Toronto, they cut you off and speed and weave... but they are nothing in comparison to German drivers. Nowadays when I'm back home, I feel like I'm going at a snail's pace. Needless to say, after facing autobahn hell, I no longer have anxiety when I'm driving in North America.

Here's a photo of a highway in Israel we used to drive on the way to go snorkeling at the Red sea in Eilat, a 4-hour drive from Jerusalem. We usually made our pit stop halfway, at a ranch where we rode camels through the desert.

Highway in Germany Photo by Patrick Federi on Unsplash

Highway in Nevada Photo by Abhi Verma on Unsplash

Highway in Israel Photo by Benny Rotlevy on Unsplash