http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elad-nehorai/i-didnt-love-my-wife_b_3908956.html
A man named Elad Nehorai posted the above article on Wednesday and a friend of mine posted the link on Facebook. I am always curious to find out what people say about God, love, and faith... so I read it.
Elad relays a concept that I've heard echoing throughout my life from various sources. My favorite source is DC Talk's "Love Is A Verb." It's a cheesy 90's song, but it was one of my favorites when I was young. I knew every DC Talk song by heart.
Elad titles his article, "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married." This caught my attention because I've heard one other person say that: a youth pastor whom I know and love. When he would preach, he'd often talk about the time when his dad told him, "You don't love her yet" while he was dating his now wife. He would always go on to say that he realizes now that he didn't truly love her then, at least compared to his love now. And that always led into a teaching to the high-schoolers about how they don't truly love each other yet... I wasn't one of the youth he was preaching to--I was one of his leaders--and so I always considered the impact of what he said on the students he taught. Something about that teaching always bothered me, though I couldn't say what it was at the time.
And I can't tell that pastor, "well, yes you did love her," because maybe he really didn't. However, he often told the story of the first time he saw her in a romantic way and explained that she was suddenly the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, even though he'd seen her every day before and thought she was a little strange. I believe this was the love of God for her made manifest in him.
Being the "how can I apply this to my life" type of person, I could never accept that idea (that he didn't love her then). Why would I marry someone who "thought" they loved me? Ugh. How depressing is that? And how can a person reduce a young person's love to being "not really love" simply because it's immature or naive? What a way to disqualify and belittle these peoples' feelings!
I loved my husband before I even started dating him. And it wasn't a romantic love either. I loved who he was. I admired his character and his intellect, respected his standards, appreciated his helpful attitude, was concerned for his well-being, enjoyed his personality, and laughed at his humor. We were good friends (we still are) and we worked together on a worship (music) team. I didn't see him in a romantic way for the first three years of our friendship. It was literally on one night that my eyes were opened to feelings for him. He told me I was beautiful and it felt like those words shot straight into my soul. Other men (fathers, brothers, friends, even boyfriends) have told me the same thing, but this was different. And the first year of our relationship I was in the clouds; MADLY in love with him. I did stupid and crazy things just to be with him, and he did the same. I couldn't stand being away from him. Those feelings were insanely strong. There were times when we just looked into each other's eyes and I felt like my soul was bursting with bliss. We dated for two weeks and I told him I loved him. And I had no doubt that I loved him because I knew I loved him before this infatuation.
I will admit that, yes, those feelings have toned down. They toned down before we got married. We went through a lot of hardships and times that put strain on our relationship. We dated for three years because of things that stopped us from being able to get married (long distance, controlling leaders who put impossible standards on us, work, school...). And so when we got married, we were happy because we could be together all the time uninterrupted and un-judged. We were still good friends, even when sometimes we didn't feel tangible romance.
Perhaps it was true for Elad; that he didn't have love for his wife before they married. Perhaps it was just infatuation. Maybe he loved the idea of having a wife... Whatever the case may have been, I cannot argue with his title statement. Not everyone is blessed to be able to marry their best friend. But I feel that defining love as a verb is a belittling statement.
Love is so much more than merely an action.
Of course I love my husband at all times, despite my mood, so I can agree with him that love is more than just an emotion. But I say it is more than just an action.
If it is only
a verb, then what is it at rest? If we reduce love to an action we rob
it of its fullness. Action is a result of love, but it is not love
itself. (the same goes for faith: faith is belief and trust more than
it is action. Without belief and trust, you have no faith) Action is
at the surface of love, maybe even a perpetuation of it. But then what is intimacy? Is it action? Not necessarily. It can be as simple as a nap on the couch together. It is restful and not work, or a conscious choice one has to make. It's a natural occurrence flowing from love. Intimacy is where its at: connection and
oneness. Feelings are essential to love.
Let me take it even deeper.
Love is a person: God is love.
Without God,
there is no love. I think it is a gift from God, and He enables even the godless to love. But love is so much less than what it is without God being at the center of it.
God showed us his love by
sending Christ, but He loved us before he proved it. I loved Dustin
before I committed my life to caring for him. Now our favorite times
are just sitting together and relaxing. Yes I feel loved when he serves
me. Yes, it is fulfilling to serve him, but that is only
part of it. If he only served me, something would be missing. I am glad that Elad has discovered that serving his wife cultivates in himself a deeper love for her. But if I could encourage him, I'd tell him, "there's so much more!" Love causes us to enjoy people in the best possible way.
And
since God is love, let me tell you something: some of the best, most
intimately fulfilling sex I've had with my husband has been while we were worshiping God
(at home, of course... or after coming home from a time of deep worship). When I am focused on the Lord, my relationship with my husband is deep
and fulfilling, not to mention super-hot.
Love is so much more than an action.
