Germany Update #2

So far in Germany, I've mostly shared about my experience as an expat in a foreign country, but I haven't been very good about giving regular updates about what we're actually doing here. For those of you who don't know, Dustin and I work as music and youth pastors at a growing church here in the southwest of Germany. We are in our third year (currently 2 years and 8 months). It's been a challenge full of both difficulties and blessings. 

Heidelberg, where our church is located

We moved to a new country during a pandemic, started a new job, adjusted to a new culture, learned a new language (still learning), slowly gathered furniture for our home, learned how to drive manual, and are slowly but surely establishing ourselves in a community.  *whew*

First, I should say, I love my job. We are able to work with people making music, worshiping together, teaching about worship, leadership, and the gospel, and we help navigate the challenges of a thriving, growing community. And because we are from the US, they give us a long leash--more vacation time to visit our family and our friends abroad. The job itself is flexible, we can work partially from home. And we've somehow managed to help develop their worship and youth programs despite a massive language barrier. We also live well because of the support and love from the community. When I need a tool, I call my neighbor. When I need a ride, I can call a friend. When I need help on a project, I can gather a group. And on the flip side, when they need me, I'm much more happy and willing to be there for them. This form of interdependence was hard to adjust to, since I grew up so used to being an island. It broke my pride a lot, not being able to do everything myself (and having so many people do things for us), but now this interdependence is probably the thing I love the most about this new culture.

The back of our sanctuary on a Sunday afternoon last January.

It's impossible to talk about our experience without discussing the challenges we faced during the pandemic.

Corona regulations of masking and distancing, quarantining and curfews--these were all things which discouraged and damaged community life. These things also had psychological effects. Our church decided at the start to try to meet as often as possible as much as the regulations would allow. And not many were against their decisions (to my surprise, having been in an American context where lately people are split down the middle on almost everything). And Germans really follow the rules. Some allowed themselves to become so isolated, they started to have mental breakdowns and even suicidal thoughts. Despite all that, we still somehow saw spiritual growth. We continued to have slow growth in numbers. Young families were still joining the church. Even now, God is doing the work of growth, and we are simply helping to manage it. 

It feels like it's only been a few months since we finally reached a normal level of physical touch and interaction. Sometimes it's still awkward with people, and I still have to ask if hugs are okay (we are huggers at church, if you didn't know).

Part of our job ended up being to help people deal with psychological damage from prolonged absence of physical touch, and in some cases--human contact. And most of the damage happened to our teens. When we started the teen group, we could sense the intense anxiety and so we intentionally bent the rules for their sake. I've worked with youth for over a decade, and one thing I know, young teens need physical and verbal affection. I won't go into detail about how we specifically bent the rules, but I will say that for three years, our teens spent their entire weeks either at home in front of a screen, or with barriers between them and others. They learned to be hesitant to be around people, and scared of contact. Their anxiety levels were through the roof. They were struggling to cope, and some even struggling with suicidal thoughts, directly because of the lack of contact. All this during their formative years. 

So we bent the rules and didn't keep it a secret. The parents knew we were bending the rules and never complained, despite their strict adherence to those rules themselves... They let us keep on doing it for the young people, and kept sending their kids to us, because they knew their kids needed it.  We were a small oasis of *some* normalcy for them and the parents continued to express their appreciation for us being there. 

It's a tradition for the preteens in a German church to go through a confirmation class. It's a year-long class where they learn about the basic tenets of their faith. Almost everyone goes through a confirmation class, even if they don't consider themselves believers. They usually have one retreat and one graduation ceremony at the end of the year. Our church also has them host one Sunday service to experience the duties of the church. The first year, Dustin and I sat in for some of these classes to get to know the kids, and learn how it's done.

Our teens in their confirmation class during semi-lockdowns 2021

Luckily the pandemic regulations started to relax, and we were able to take our youth on their retreat that first year. During that retreat, we had to take a corona test every morning as a precautionary measure, just to be allowed to be together. One morning at the breakfast table, a boy tested positive. I watched him crumble in horror and humiliation as his friends began scooting their chairs away from him. This was a special trip which every German kids expects to experience in their preteen life, and his had come to an abrupt end. His mom was there within 2 hours to pick him up (no one else got sick). I had never seen any moment like that in my life, where someone became a pariah to their group in a matter of seconds. I will never forget it. I know that was a trauma for him. I know it was extremely difficult for our leaders to enforce. And I know the pandemic caused our teens to experience a lot of other small traumas like this one. That can add up across two, three years.

Outside of this, we made the best of it and had a great time.

some of our preteens playing games at the retreat 2022

I also attempted a project choir for Christmas our first year. It was a big challenge to learn a whole new set of Christmas songs in a new language, and then to find decent and simple sheet music for a choir, and then to teach them in a language I was just learning. Most of what I found was in this extreme classical form. Poor Dustin ended up spending a lot of hours helping me arrange parts and make the sheet music. So a lot of blood, sweat, and tears--and so many more hours than I expected--went into preparing for the choir. 

The act of directing the choir itself was also challenging because the corona cases went up as the weather got colder, so the severity of the rules also followed. We started in October, and decided to go as far as we could go. We started with 20 enthusiastic people, but with each new constraint people started dropping out. First we had to stand apart from each other, then we had to wear masks. Then we had to bring in the air purifier (which was loud), and then we had to test before each session. I had to direct people who could barely hear each other, and couldn't breath while singing with their masks on (it's impossible). And with the increasing amount of cases, people just didn't want to take the risk. If going to choir meant the possibility of getting corona and having to remove yourself from society for two weeks, while trying to somehow maintain a job and a family, it's just not worth it. That's way too invasive. For our actual Christmas Eve performance, our choir was down to five brave souls. And I was incredibly proud of them. We will probably attempt another choir this fall, if no corona regulations start to resurface.

Part of this experience has been learning about the German culture. Our process was a bit prolonged, with everyone being in lockdown half the year, for the first two years. So we continue to discover layers of cultural differences. 

Germans are a concept-first culture, and Americans are a learn-by-doing culture. So there is quite a rub when we jump into a thing without explaining it first, which has happened... We didn't know what we didn't know, and others couldn't explain the problem, because they didn't know what we didn't know! We all assumed we understood the same things, but that was often not the case! It wasn't until we were in a feedback meeting later in our second year that I realized there was a huge misunderstanding between us and our department members. And I was so glad that it came to light, because then we were able to address it. And we did! We called our whole worship department into a meeting and talked about it: we shared our strategy, explained our cultural differences and how they played out, acknowledged the misunderstanding, acknowledged the consequences of our ignorance, dispelled any false narratives that resulted from it, and laid out our strategy to fix it. A lot of time and prayer went into this. I spent a whole week writing the presentation for that meeting, and working with a friend to translate it into German so that there were no misunderstandings. Already we had wonderful people who were super gracious with us, but after that, it felt like we had a clearer understanding and a deeper level of trust between us.

Dustin and I speaking on a Sunday 2021.

When you enter a new country, and you work with a community of people, you need to understand the flow of a year for people. Because this determines when you plan things so that the most people can attend. You need to know when most people are taking vacations, when they're the busiest, and what the expectations are for the holidays. And holidays are a very big part of the activity of church. So this has been an interesting process. Because of the pandemic, I haven't really started to learn the flow until this year, and now they have me planning the whole year in advance. Despite running an international ministry in the past, outside of special events and holiday celebrations, I've never been more than 6-months planned in advance. It can be overwhelming thinking through the whole year, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. Surely not without help. I've relied on specific people to help me navigate through this process.

Our pastor, Gregor, and his wife Kathrin, have been a huge support to us. Gregor has basically taught us how to do church in Germany, and Kathrin has personally helped me through some tough personal situations. Gregor has been super patient with us as we navigate the many challenges. Because of the language barrier, sometimes I missed meeting times, or confused days of the week, missed the whole gist of a topic of discussion (this still happens). Other times, I was responsible for something and didn't realize it (they thought I knew, and I didn't know I didn't know). Gregor has also fought for us in times of confusion, when people didn't understand us, and we literally couldn't explain ourselves in their language. Germans generally don't give a lot of affirmation (in my experience they struggle with giving it and even receiving it), and yet I have never felt so valued by a supervisor and a community.

Dustin has also been training a youth band. They started a year and a half ago, and some of them didn't even know how to play their instruments. But now they are a fully functioning music band and are almost ready to integrate into the main worship department. He has really done an excellent job, and we're about to start the next one.

In both our areas of ministry, music and youth, I am happy to see good things coming about. Our worship leaders are really catching what it means to flow in worship. They are growing and being challenged and becoming more free in their musical expression. This makes our work worth it. I also see that our teens have developed strong bonds and are genuinely good friends with each other. I've seen their anxiety and self-consciousness erode, and they are much more relaxed with each other. Having like-minded friends who support you--and with whom you can relax and be genuine--is the basis of a healthy community. Dustin and I are happy to have been able to facilitate that.

Our regular work schedule also allows us to get the rest we need. Germany (and I think most of Europe) has a different flow for employees than what we're used to. Every employee automatically gets one month of vacation days. If you include weekends, this adds up to roughly 6 weeks in a year. Because we are expats, our church gives us more vacation time to allow for visiting our family and friends across the globe. And the work expectations in ministry here are different. Our pastor expects us to have a sabbath day every week, and he expects us to draw boundaries and only attend events that we have the capacity for. He and the church elders check in with us to make sure we aren't over-working (in ministry, the tendency is always to do more, because the community always has needs). They've also given us a raise to help with expenses since the price of gas (and therefore heating) has risen due to the Ukraine war. The way they are able to care for us does a lot towards making me feel valued. And because of these things, Dustin and I are able to invest in our marriage and spend more time together. We have grown closer.

Despite the immense challenges of entering a new culture, I am able to see good coming out of our time here so far. I am very thankful for this season of life.

Here's a few more random things (I want to show more pictures of people, but they don't like to put their faces on social media.)

Tea time at a friend's house, with the view of Holy Spirit Church in Heidelberg 2022

A decked-out German breakfast table: candles, cake, fresh-baked bread rolls, and a selection of meats, cheeses, eggs, juices, tea, coffee, mineral water, and jams.

The river park in Heidelberg (the Neckarwiese)

A raised trail near our house that we walk/run for exercise

The view from our living room window

Hot German Summers

 Living with no A/C

The last 2 years, we've only spent part of the summers here in Germany, so we've mostly missed the really hot days. This year, we're sticking it out and it's quite miserable, let me just say...

I acknowledge that the actual temperatures are cooler than other places I've lived. In Jerusalem, it's 90 degree (32C) weather every day for 3 quarters of the year. In Oklahoma, it can get up to a miserable 113 degrees (45C). In Arizona it's basically 90 (32C) through most of the year and can get up to a sweltering 120 (49C) during the summer. In Jerusalem and Arizona, it was arid or desert heat, which guarantees cool mornings and evenings (a relief!). In Oklahoma, it didn't cool down. It's just a miserable humid heat. I used to hate going outside. As a teen in Tulsa I hated summers. 

But in all these places there was one thing in common: air conditioning. No matter where I was, I could always come home and cool down, and live comfortably. I could wear or do whatever I wanted because at some point, I would be able to cool down and stay cool. I only had to discriminate when I knew I was spending the day outside.

Here in Germany, at this point in august we're in the 90s (32C) range, and it's only cooling down to the 70s (21C) range for a few hours at night, which means the house is warm most of the day, and barely cools down in the evenings. You are guaranteed to sweat all. day. long. As I said before, Dustin and I experienced a couple of days like this in the past, but then it was over and we were gone during the hottest part of summer. Now we are experiencing it in full force, and I'm learning a few things about why Germans do what they do. 

First, when you know you can't cool down in your house, you don't want to move at all. But that's utterly impossible, so you start to find creative ways to cool down out of the house. I knew community swimming pools were a big deal here, but now I understand why they're so huge in size, why there's so many of them, and why they're constantly full of people. Dustin and I are going swimming almost every day during the hottest part of the day. They also swim in the small lakes, which they call, "bathing lakes," or "Badesee." 

I knew Germans loved their Italian ice cream (gelato), but now I understand why the ice cream places are always packed, and why people make it a ritual to go get ice cream in the afternoon/evenings when most other stores are closed. Because some of the few other ways to get relief are to visit grocery stores, and other large stores/malls, sit in your car, or simply take a cold shower and sit in front of a fan. Unless, of course, you have AC in your house, which isn't common... but apparently more and more people are getting it because the summers have been increasingly hotter in the last decade(s?). 

I have been told that in the past, this area might only have a couple of "tropical nights" as they say, but then it cools down. But now it's consecutive days. And I don't think the collective psyche is adjusting to the changes... People keep saying, "Oh, it will start cooling down in a few days," but when I check, there is no cool-down in the 10-day forecast, and there hasn't been in the past weeks. Someone even said, "why would I get AC for a couple of days in the summer?" in my head, I thought, "you mean a whole month of pure misery sandwiched between two other slightly cooler months where you have to keep your window blinds closed to stop the sunlight from heating the inside of your home (sucks when you go out and forget!), plan out when you want to cook in a hot sauna of a kitchen, dread going to work because you are hot all the time, and basically look forward to the night when you can finally do things without overheating?"

I helped a friend prep their new house for moving in, and I was painting the walls in 88 degrees (31C). They opened the door and the kitchen window (which were across from each other on other ends of the house) in hopes of a breeze. While I was happy to be there and help, I sweat the entire day working in that house, which made me extra tired.

I haven't mentioned body odor, but lets just say it's understandably more socially acceptable here. I have never smelled people so much in my life...  

I wouldn't want to work in a restaurant, because you're basically in an oven/sauna all day. I feel the heat when I approach the kitchens. I don't know how they cope. I don't even want to cook at home! It's basically a commitment to being in a sauna for 2 hours of the day. And then the room is hot for the rest of the day. Thank God my kitchen is sealed from the rest of the apartment. I mostly don't want to cook. When I do, it's a batch cook for the week. We're eating salad, cold pasta salads, fruit, raw foods, bread, and things which can be heated in the instant pot or microwave. OR we're eating out. It's a whole new diet.

I work in a church, which does not have AC, but at least has a very high ceiling, so the heat rises, and it's at least somewhat bearable to sit in the sanctuary. Still, it's hot. And the stained-glass windows are placed high up just at the right spot so that during church services, the sun is actually beating down on half the seats. It kinda reminds me of the classic Southern Baptist church because all these people have paper fans which they flutter all through service. They actually have a basket of them in the back so you can grab one when you walk through the door. Like others, I have my own which I purchased for this reason.

And clothing... I am learning just this week that polyester summer clothes are a joke. You might as well wear a plastic bag and end up dehydrated come nightfall. It's like wearing a hot suit. I put on an outfit, stand there for a few minutes and find myself suddenly sweating buckets, having a mild panic attack, and then I have to change into something with natural fibers like linen or cotton. So half the summer work clothes I brought here are not wearable. Polyester satin is the worst offender. I'm understanding now why so many women here wear these linen or cotton summer dresses almost exclusively. It's the only bearable thing to wear. It's not a fashion choice, it's a necessity. Some of these women don't wear dresses all year long, so it's almost shocking to see them in the summer. Dustin has had to invest in some linen short-sleeve button down shirts... which have never been his style in the past, but I'll say he found some flattering cuts. He survived this Sunday in pants because he had an electric fan on him at full blast while he played guitar on stage.

Speaking of the fan, other weeks we put the fan there but it got moved or turned off for random reasons: someone else used it for a moment to cool down and forgot to put it back, or this week, a young toddler was roaming around, saw the button and turned it off without anyone noticing. Luckily I happened to see that it was off a minute before service started and turned it back on. Dustin was like, "Oh yeah, oh, thank God!" Because once you start playing your instrument, you're kinda stuck there for the next 20-30 minutes. You can't just stop playing in the middle of the song, unplug yourself from all the wires you're connected to, put your guitar down, walk across the stage and turn on the fan... while the rest of the band and the whole church waits for you. Haha! So previous times, poor Dustin was just soaked in sweat by the end.

But back to trying to wear clothes that make the temps bearable... Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm finally putting an effort into finding clothes that actually flatter my body. I have slowly built up a wardrobe that is working for me... As much as I want to have all natural fibers for environmental reasons, I have admittedly compromised a lot for the sake of affordability and fashion. And I certainly never accounted for the problem of polyester in the heat. But now I see that it's simply not tolerable. So, this summer, I am often scrounging around my wardrobe, trying to find what I can wear that I won't suffer and dehydrate in, but is also presentable for church, and I'm usually unsuccessful (and late for work)... I'm pulling out the few dresses I only wear on special occasions, and they aren't cutting it. They're either slightly less modest than what I'm comfortable with on a church stage (and I won't cover up more to compensate because it's too hot!), or their materials are all wrong for the heat. I've bought 2 dresses, and a couple more were given to me, and they happen to look good! Now I have 4 wearable dresses, which will get me by for a while...

Because of my body type, dresses tend to make me look... matronly... So this is one of my un-explored areas of fashion. I don't intuitively know which cuts will flatter me. I have to try on 50 dresses before I find one that makes me not feel Amish. Even the same style can have a variety of cuts which are unflattering. So it's an ordeal for me to go shopping for them. Hence I have avoided it until now. And everything is polyester now, so it's amazing if I can find a breathable material that flatters me. Ha! I know... first-world problems.

We did finally get an AC unit. Finding the right unit, getting it, and installing it was a whole ordeal of new factors we didn't know to consider, which we put off until this summer (if I'm honest, that was all Dustin's effort). We finally installed it a few days ago. Now that we have it, it's kinda loud and only cools one room. It's boring to bunker down in my bedroom all day, and my ears get worn out from hearing the noise. We can't install it in the living room because of the way the windows are: it's impractical. Furthermore, it uses a lot of power, and the energy prices here have tripled since the war in Ukraine. We're finally starting to feel that, so we are trying to be frugal and only use it when it's practical (i.e. at night when we have to be home and sleep). But it definitely helps me not dread going home, so it's worth it.

What funny is, I thought I was already getting used to not having AC. I thought I'd already had the full experience of no AC in Europe because I went through suffering in other ways, and was noticing differences when I came into air-conditioned places. Sometimes I don't even like AC anymore. But no... this relationship with the heat is on a whole new level. Like, just imagine: the schools, the office buildings, the restaurants, the churches: they aren't air-conditioned either. Even if you're not sweating, your internal heat is just keeping you on the edge of nausea, and there's only fleeting, temporary relief. You can't even look forward to going home and cooling down after a weekend camping or a day outside. Normal activities start to carry a certain feeling of dread... To a European, I know I just sound whiny. They have learned to cope. But I am clearly not used to this. I have lived in hotter places than this and still not had to deal with this.

I suppose I should feel grateful: I have truly been blessed my whole life enough to genuinely not know what it's like to live with the heat.

Sometimes I'm hard on myself, wondering why I can't seem to get myself in order. Why does it still feel like I'm just surviving? This summer I have less work, and yet I feel more exhausted. I often think, "by now I should have this down, so what gives?" Until I take time to think it through, I don't realize just how invasive the new challenges are. This summer living with no AC has been a huge new challenge which has affected everything I do. And this explains why I haven't been able to spend my time the way I normally would. And realizing this helps me be a little more patient with myself. 

Photo by Mateo Krössler on Unsplash