I think it’s our nature to sit in longing, fooling
ourselves about what would actually fulfill it. We keep thinking it’s a new
love interest, a new job, a change of scene, an epic travel experience, or
maybe a better paying job. Or worse, a better drink, a more sensual drug… If I had more opportunities, if I had an easier time of things, if I
had more money, if I had incredible sensory experiences, if I had all the sex I
could possibly want, if I never experienced rejection or push-back, if our
government would just do the right things, if I removed all the haters from my
life, I would then be happy. We see that life could be better and sometimes that’s true.
Some of us go through hell on earth, and need to seek a healthier environment. Other times we are simply blinded to the good that we have in our lives and take them for granted. But it's easy to take things for granted, because all these things don’t really fulfill. Maybe for a time. And maybe they do improve and enrich our lives. But they all fall
short of satisfying that deep longing in our soul; the one that, when gone
unfulfilled long enough, makes us utterly dread being alone with ourselves, makes us feel empty, makes us cry from the deepest place, makes us feel so very bone tired and
essentially broken.
It was always my dream to live in different places in the
world, and learn different cultures. I did that. I’m doing that. And while it
does bring a richness and level of excitement to my life that I appreciate and enjoy, the
longing is still there, and it’s tempting to think the next place will fill it.
I found out that moving your life across the world takes a huge toll. Every new
place brings huge challenges that I am never able to anticipate or plan for. I could write to you ten pages on all the little things one
takes for granted that I have had to relearn every few years…
I don’t mean to belittle my life, or gain pity from people.
I have no regrets. I take responsibility for my choices and the resulting
consequences, good or bad. I simply wish to share some wisdom. What I thought
were the answers simply aren’t, and I think those of you who envy me are to
some degree fooling yourselves. I’m still the same person with the same inner
challenges, and I don’t simply leave them behind when I go to new places. I
still struggle with punctuality, still fail at planning, still struggle with
connecting to people, still feel like a failure for not accomplishing the aforementioned,
still have the same needs and still suffer the tendency to overwork myself and
burn out. I still get socially exhausted and cocoon in front of the TV for too
long, and forget to give my husband attention. I still miss my family and
friends… and the more places I live, the more people I miss. I still dip into
depression at times when I can’t deal with it all… It’s all there. I’m still me
in the Middle East, still me in Europe, still me in North America.
No matter what awesome experience I have, that longing remains. I think many of us feel that way. We make it to our dreams, and we realize it wasn’t the answer. But we did it, and we are proud of ourselves, but now what? We’re doing it, and it does feel good, but why isn’t that longing going away? Maybe we had a lot of fun, but then what? Why didn’t that fix us? Why does it all feel the same? Maybe it makes us feel more special, or more important, but does it really fulfill us? Or maybe it came with a great cost we weren't prepared to make. But we don't want to think about it too deeply, and so continue to fool ourselves, moving on to the next thing that we think will fulfill us, or maybe more of the same things. Okay, so it wasn’t that relationship, good as that person was, but maybe someone else will do the trick? Okay so this experience didn’t do it, but perhaps the next one will. At least the next thing will give us something to look forward to, something to give us hope for a while, until the next thing… The grass is always greener on the other side...
At the risk of sounding preachy, the only answer I really have is Jesus. That’s it. In my deepest loneliness, when my heart is broken, there he comes, filling me like an overflowing river after the rain, with a comfort and peace that I cannot describe or explain. It’s like every part of my emotion is healed, and everything is okay. I feel it so intensely sometimes I have to cry. Maybe I still have a process to go through, but suddenly I have the strength to do it. When my marriage is hurting, there he comes, helping us to forgive each other, giving us strength to love again. When people deeply disappoint me, there Jesus is, to comfort me, to give me hope in humanity again, to help me to trust again. I have this tendency to sit in the longing, continuously forgetting that only Jesus can fill it, and worry about my choices, my failures, my lack, and wish for something or someone to fix it. But then I have hope. That’s because it doesn’t really matter what job I get, or what experiences I miss out on: I have what truly fulfills me right here, and I bring him along everywhere I go. He’s with me in the Middle East, in Europe, and in North America. He’ll be there when I go away from the people I love, and He'll be there when I’m with them. Jesus is the only true fulfillment I have in life.
Photo by Patrick Shaun on Unsplash
