Robbing the Giver of Joy

Giving a Little is Not a Bad Thing...

I have a lot of guilt associated with giving. Most of the stories I’d been taught about the joy of giving were on an Ebenezer Scrooge scale, where the impact of giving is massive. Well, I’m not a millionaire who can change people’s lives with my money, so, what I had always seemed pitiful. And what good was I really doing with my measly dollar when I passed a homeless person on the street? They couldn't do anything with just a dollar! What joy I might have experienced from giving was overshadowed by this shame. 
I eventually devoted my life to giving. I reasoned that instead of money, my time would be valuable enough to make a difference… I spent a great deal of time serving the poor and being a spiritual guide and counselor—all things which I found brought me great fulfillment.

When I moved to Israel, things were different. I was specialized in ministry, and not directly serving the poor. And I was running three ministries, which gave me no extra time to do so. And in Israel, homeless people are much more audacious and pushy. They put on a frown and ask you, “Will you be righteous?” as they shake their cup of coins at you. You’d think, as someone who served the poor and homeless for seven years of her life, that I would have learned how to deal with these feelings and know what to do. But I found myself being overwhelmed. In the short five-minute walk from my apartment to work, I passed two or three homeless people every day, and more when I would pass by our own soup kitchen on the ground floor. Even more who would come up to pray in our prayer room. In the grocery store and market, they would be there huddled with their cups. When I would sit down to eat outside at a restaurant with friends, homeless people would come to our table asking for our spare change, always appearing just as our food was arriving at the table for maximum guilt. The restaurant owners wouldn't shoo them away; this was a normal thing in Israeli culture. Homeless people were in every place I went.

Because of this overload, I went through a strange process. At first, often I would just pull the biggest bill out of my wallet and put it in someone's cup, but I couldn’t afford to do that. And I couldn’t cope feeling emotional every time I saw someone in need, compelled to do something I couldn't afford. So because of this, I stopped giving altogether. And that made me feel worse. It made me feel bad about my own lack of generosity. I found myself directing this guilt at the homeless people themselves, being angry at the mere presence of them, acting insulted when they would ask for spare change, especially at the restaurant! I justified my anger by saying to myself that they are probably scammers or using the money to get alcohol… or worse, I would shut down and feel nothing.

I knew this was wrong—it wasn't me. I had become a miser. I wanted to be generous, but I realized I had a lot of guilt in this area. I wanted to overcome this and have a healthy mindset about it. I wanted to be a cheerful giver, but I didn't know how to be. I finally mentioned my guilt to a friend and counselor, Katherine Snyder, and she said something that hit me...

It's okay to just give a little.

           It's almost hilarious how simple and obvious this is, but somehow it had never occurred to me. It was so significant because finally a spiritual leader wasn't acting like the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. I wasn't being pushed to "be radical" and give my left arm for those who don't have one. I wasn't being made to put myself in someone's shoes and see how terrible their life is compared to mine. And I wasn't made to feel like I wasn't enough... 
God does not expect us to live in guilt, and Katherine pointed this out. She also said that just as I don't want others to live in poverty, God doesn't want me to live in poverty by giving too much! She suggested that, since I care about this, I should be more intentional and carry spare change so I could give something when the opportunity presented itself. And just that simple advice freed me.

I started taking change from my coin jar and bringing it in a separate coin purse while out on the street for that very reason. I was able to still contribute something while being freed from having a moral crisis five times a day.

Katherine helped me see that this is a Biblical principle. Leviticus 23:22 says: “When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Leave them for the poor and for the foreigner residing among you. I am the LORD your God.” God laid out a reasonable way for us to regularly help those in need. He tells us not to be stingy, and to give our extras. It truly IS a good thing even when it doesn't look like much.
So what if the person on the corner might be scamming you? So what if her jacket looks expensive? So what if he got a haircut? So what if they have some possessions you think they ought not to have? So what if they waste your charity on beer? 

Why does a person have to have no dignity in order for us to feel better about giving?

          God didn’t say, "monitor and guard the edges of your field to make sure only the poorest of the poor are getting the benefit"… He also didn’t say to withhold your extras so they can't turn around and use it for wine... We want to feel that we are actually helping someone, so we want them to use wisely the little money we give them. It’s ironic, but on some level our withholding is motivated by compassion. If you want to give, and that kind of thing truly concerns you, there are many other ways to give than to hand your dollars to un-vetted homeless people. For example, so many homeless people just need a pair of socks. Women in shelters often go without feminine products. Someone on the street might just need a couple of quarters to wash their clothes at the laundromat. These are small but important things, to which we can all relate. Of course there are so many more ways to give...

My point is that many of us are subconsciously told our extras are not enough, and often that discourages us from giving entirely. Even outside of the church, American generosity is extreme; you see TV shows where people are given entire houses or life-changing make-overs, or new vehicles. We see regular people given checks for thousands of dollars to enable them to reach their dreams. It's exciting, heart-warming, and so beautiful. When we can make a difference, we shouldn't hesitate! And it is SUCH a joy!
In contrast, seeing all that extreme generosity can make our extras seem pitiful and not worth giving. But that's not true. It's worth it! Most of us are living just within our means and only have little to spare. That's okay. Let's have joy in giving what we can. If you’re like me and you do care, putting on a proud façade is just an unhealthy way of coping with that desire to give. Sure—your spare change won’t transform someone’s life forever. But it doesn’t have to. It might just get them through to the next meal, and that’s everything to someone who is hungry.

(Read Part 1 called, "Robbing the Doubter of Faith,")

Photo by Tom Parsons on Unsplash

Using Ads to Terrorize

Why Sandy Hook Promise went too far...

School shootings are a real fact of life that Americans need to face head on. They’ve been a reality since I was a kid, and are becoming an epidemic.

Originally, I was writing this as a response comment to a friend who posted the video, but it got long, and had some real points, which I thought were worth a whole blog post. Because this ad doesn't just raise awareness of school shootings, it also betrays the morality of how to raise awareness of issues... So if you’ll humor me this rant, I do want to talk about the fact that this advertisement was designed specifically to both instigate anger and produce terror... which I find inherently wrong. For context, watch the above YouTube video (warning, it contains content portraying a school shooting).

This ad takes everyday objects and shows how they might be used in horrific circumstances. I would expect that from entertainment like movies and TV shows, but not from an advertisement. It is, however, extremely effective in raising awareness of school shootings, I will grant that... because it uses product tropes the way no one has (or should, frankly), which is new and shocks the audience into real emotion. That’s really creative. The audience expects another bland commercial about more stuff, but they are suddenly plunged into a hunger-games-esque murder scenario... and this is jarring. It induces extreme emotion. It challenges our sense of security. Then we're forced to see what some kids have actually gone through. It's interesting because you can't produce the same results with movies or TV shows because we're all usually prepared to watch what we're about to watch. We use movies and media to escape from reality. Ads are part of our reality and seek to reach and represent the individual. Using an ad to produce this effect gives you the ability to truly catch the audience off guard because those kids represent our kids. It’s both a mockery of American consumerism and a slap in the face of our insistence on willful ignorance. So on a creative level, I can appreciate it, and believe it accomplishes what it sets out to do. 

With the outrage culture of modern media, maybe Sandy Hook Promise feels this is the most effective way to get people’s attention. They are merely using the language of outrage which we're already primed to respond to. And this is a sad reality we also have to consider. But what does it say about our culture if even the benevolent institutions resort to fear-mongering and terrorizing in order to further their cause?

Often ads do point to disaster; they may show a scenario where the product saved a life... but usually the result emotion is relief or a sense of security for owning the product, not pure horror in which the product may be the only last connection point you have with your child who is facing certain death... they never go THIS far, because that would actually be evil. If crippling fear of death is how you advertise your products, you’ve got to be some sort of heartless monster...

This ad is not necessarily evil because it isn't selling products, but is actually trying to raise awareness, and points to itself as an organization which honors those who suffered, and offers counselling, information, and perhaps even viable solutions to the problem. I watched it a few times because of my outrage and in order to analyze it, which kept the issue of school shootings in the forefront of my mind. Then I looked at the website to see what on earth they were all about--to see if their cause was even good. I found helpful resources and felt a sense of duty to do something. In that sense, they did point to a good end, and probably got more results than they might have if I wasn't so incensed (sadly)...

But the end does not justify the means. The first watch produced instant tears, extreme horror, and then outrage at the consumerist way it goes about expressing the very real danger kids face. You could argue it even dishonors those who have experienced these events by placing emphasis on the objects themselves... for the sake of irony, or for making a point about how we need to be outraged to care (feel free to dispute that). You don't produce genuine concern by first insulting people. And the type of outrage it produces may inevitably sabotage the organization's end goal because the ad itself challenges the status quo of how advertising is and should be done... and not in a positive way. 

What other ways will people now use ads to hurt or terrorize people, and steal peace from peoples' homes? 

Furthermore, this is a traumatic piece! According to a news article, this ad plays on major TV networks and across digital platforms... This means there are people who will only watch it once and be stricken with grief and horror and fear. If this appeared on TV or as a YouTube ad, and I had kids who were watching, I would be TICKED. Home should be a place where kids can take refuge, where ads aren’t also terrorizing them. We shouldn't be terrorizing each other to raise awareness, even when there is a real threat to our kids' lives... This organization--of all people--should recognize that. Must we live in a culture where terrorism is accepted simply because it is used for good causes?

Inducing terror is the business of terrorists, and should not be the goal of the anti-terrorist. 

Finding My Online Voice Again...

Before the last post about returning to America, I haven't typed an honest blog in a long time. I know some of you have been wanting to hear about our adventures, and earnestly waiting for the update... But I haven't been the most faithful in that area in the past couple of years for a few reasons...

First of all, I have written many blogs, I've just not posted them. I've learned the hard way that people nowadays are too combative online, so I have to really think through my posts. People are confusing opinion with facts these days, so they were mercilessly punching holes in all my arguments, and judging it as though it were a scholarly document, rather than simply discussing the ideas like my friends used to. So when I write an opinion, I just end up realizing I haven't researched the subject enough to have a right to an opinion... not if I don't want to feel embarrassed, anyway.

Then there's the fact that things have gotten too political. I've learned that to even mention our president's name guarantees that someone will feel the need to word-vomit all their political views about him and the current events surrounding him right then and there. Online as well as in person! They will automatically assume my position and start arguing on some recent point I am unaware of, or defending their stance, without even giving context to the argument...  I stopped feeling like I was being heard--really listened to--but rather just being talked at, and that made me hesitate to say anything. Many of you probably relate. Hesitating to speak is probably for the better anyway...

It used to be that people knew me, and so they would take the time to listen and consider all I say based on our relationship, and make an effort to understand the nuances of my opinion or argument. That still happens in my life, but only on a personal, face-to-face level; not online. And I'm glad for it. I think I've learned that online posts aren't the place to be debating, because there's never enough context and therefore misunderstanding is inevitable.

But, more than that, I was in a new realm of leadership in Israel that made me realize I couldn't just say whatever was on my mind--not on the internet, anyway. I didn't have the luxury of having the "well, this is me, so un-follow if you don't like it," kind of attitude. Plus I'm not a fan of that kind of attitude anyway. What you say online has the exact same consequences as what you would say to someone in person… we just don’t see it, so we are unaware of it. But if you wouldn’t say it to your friends or family, and they see it online, they are affected just as they would be if you said it to their face.

I also used to be super preachy online too, but that's mainly because I'm a natural teacher and I didn't have an outlet for my favorite subject, which is theology. I did get better by creating a blog to catch most of my musings. Still, I often posted cryptic posts on social media about the gospel. But for the past three years I was given a place to preach the gospel. And so I didn't feel the need to preach on Facebook anymore. I was privileged to be able to actually teach in an international setting, which of course also taught me many things. I love learning about different cultures, and hearing how they conceptualize the gospel. To be honest, I've found that it's an amazing phenomenon; people from all over the world can come together and often it feels like we've all been taught in the same Sunday school classes growing up. While people may differ on the minor issues, the gospel is truly universal. Of course, other times, it feels like you've come from different planets.

But I now know how the preachy-ness on social media comes across to those who aren't passionate about theology. So I learned. But in the past couple of years, I’ve hardly posted anything at all… Not even things about my everyday life... 

Another layer compounding my lack of voice online was the fact that, in Israel, I became exposed to all kinds of different streams of faith--and areas of conviction-- that I never even dreamed of. And I was making friends who were part of them. E.g. I never thought I'd have to defend the reason I celebrate Christmas to Christians! I never thought I'd be criticized for using the English form of Jesus' name (versus the Hebrew form, Yeshua). There were also so many other little things... So I felt I needed to be more cautious about what I emphasized, because I was learning what was acceptable in this new culture.

And then I started becoming aware of my "American-ness," or rather, my "Western-ness." I was learning that certain things I thought or believed were simply just the opinions of my culture rather than universal principles. I finally began to "see the water I swam in" as my professor, Desiree Libengood used to say. There are so many other ways to think and do things in the world, it humbled me. I was learning what it means to have an international mindset, and I haven’t been so confident in my voice on the internet.

But despite all this, I'm still me, and I love to express myself in writing. I've been needing to set aside time to find my voice again. And I feel I can now take the time to really think it through. So, here's to more discussion and musings. Ask me any questions if you like, otherwise, I'll be posting.

Photo by Asa Rodger on Unsplash

We’re BAA-AACK!

Most of you know Dustin and I have been living in Israel for the past three years. But you may not know that we just moved back to the US two weeks ago. It’s a bit premature, since our plan was five years. We didn’t leave because of job hardships: honestly, our gig in Jerusalem was one of the best, and with some of the most quality people I’ve ever known. And they let us go with their blessing. (We already miss you, Israel fam!). We didn’t leave to chase a job opportunity, even though there are a few. We left for a number of reasons, the main one being our heart for family.

I think being away has really showed us where our values lie. Dustin and I have always highly valued family life. It’s one of the things that made me fall in love with Dustin—how much he loves, values, and depends on his family.

The past few years we became aware of the passing ages of our older relatives, aware of how difficult it is to connect from across the ocean, aware of how fast my nieces and nephews are growing. I want to be there for them. These are the people God gave us; true gifts. And while I’m sure everyone who moves overseas feels this same pull, there just didn’t seem to be a grace for us to overcome it and stay out there. The feeling only grew and grew over time.

I, myself, have lived quite disconnected from my family in the past decade. They’re all spread out in the states and Canada these days and it’s a rare gift to have us all together. And I’ve lived very disconnected from my extended family for most of my life. That’s also because we moved from Canada when I was young. I would like to remedy that.

The old adage is true; you never know what you have until it’s gone. I see now how truly blessed I am. Let’s get together, fam!

Nick--what a guy! He brought us to the Ben Gurion Airport and waited with us at 4am until we got to security.

Dustin with half our stuff, waiting for our ride when we landed in Chicago.