"Friend" The Best Selfie Stick...

This makes me laugh.

Beach Chronicles: Selfies

As a lifeguard at the beach, I do a lot of people-watching.

This summer, I've noticed a lot of people taking selfies. I'm not talking about pictures with friends, I'm talking about pictures of the self, taken by the self. Somehow I didn't notice it as much in years past. A couple weeks ago I noticed a gorgeous woman dressed in a white lace sundress, perfect black hair, movie-star sunglasses, and the most adorable beach hat walking around with a selfie stick and a camera phone out in front of her. She walked to the shore, swiveled around to get the best view behind her and posed a few times. And that was it. Once she was done, she was walking back up behind me. Most people go to the beach, well, to enjoy the beach. Others go to... pretend they are enjoying the beach...?

I mean, I suppose that's not so weird; Dustin and I posed for a photographer at the beach one autumn day. We were there for engagement photos, not for beach-going. But a professional, posed photo is far different than a selfie. Everyone knows that those photos don't represent what a person is doing, only how they look. It's the quick, "this is what I'm doing right now" feel of social media that makes selfies seem like they should actually represent what people are doing or seeing in reality. I don't take a lot of selfies, so for someone like me, I forget how much time people spend trying to get that perfect shot... so much time frozen in the oddest tableaux...

Another woman stood on the shore, in a bright aqua bikini with a shawl on, taking selfie after selfie. She kept fluffing her hair and posing in curve-accentuating ways. A few moments later she was back on the beach this time without the shawl, posing for some more selfies. Then when she didn't have her phone, she kept standing there fluffing her hair and posing some more... Maybe there was a photographer behind me? Or was she just showing off?

The other day I glanced to my left to see a frowning, bikini-clad woman smile brightly for a quick selfie, and then return to her frown. Her selfie made it seem like she was enjoying her day... but her body language said the total opposite. I saw a preteen boy in the water with a selfie stick, wading out to the buoy, ignoring his brother who was nearby. Selfies are just weird.

It's not as weird to see selfies on social media as it is to see people take them in public. It's especially weird to see people seemingly go out of character to pose for them. It makes people seem fake; self-absorbed. It makes me think they aren't present; they're off in their own world not very aware of their environment, not enjoying their surroundings. How sad it is to be in a place of beauty and not fully experience it. To be honest, these "selfie-absorbed" people are a minority at the beach: most people really are there to enjoy it.

But let's face it; some people literally do things just for the selfie. They go out and take photos of things they are doing for the sole purpose of having cool photos for their online presence. It's annoying, but I understand it. Growing up in a large family, I have a need to be around people: to share in their experiences and to feel validated by their involvement in mine. Social media is a huge draw for me because even when I'm alone, I know that my experiences can be shared. I feel connected to my family and friends and to the world (while at the same time feeling the upsetting disconnection of an ever-widening gap between myself and friends I've made and "friended" whom I will probably never see in person again... It can create a sense of despair at times).

Oh, but there's also a lot of junk on social media that makes me mad... I'd like to rant about it and make a cynical condescending list--oh it is tempting--of things on social media that ruin my day, but I will refrain. What I will say is that I don't think I was made to have the capacity to read so many peoples' thoughts; to be the reader of so much passive aggression, or the onlooker of so many sexually suggestive photos, or the hearer of so many political opinions--things I would never be aware of in the real world/things people would never say or do when I'm in their presence. there are things I know about people I'd rather not know. There are parts of people I've seen that I'd rather not see...*twitch* *twitch*

But I digress... I'm here to talk about that strange phenomenon as I have observed it at the beach, not all my thoughts on the subject (and I have a lot of them. Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship. I've even removed the app from my phone as a means to reclaim my sanity).

Here's hoping that we don't live our lives for the approval and vindication of the masses, that we truly stop to smell the roses. Take those selfies, by all means! Just remember to live first.

Beach Chronicles: Bad Ideas That People Think Are Genius

Bad Idea #1: The Fitted Sheet

This seems cool, but is just annoying. It's impossible to keep sand out of this. Furthermore, you have to make sure that none of the objects in the corners touch the ground before somehow putting the sheet on the ground, stretching it out, and placing those objects there (I've seen people attempt this, and it is hilarious). Also, you have to bring a king-size sheet, because anything smaller will give you only room for one person to sit with all the other stuff you have in the corners. You also can't move the things in the corners. You can't lie down half in the sand and half on the blanket. If you move a corner object or pick it up, the sheet flies shut (whereas a regular blanket stays down). And the sheet sides don't stay up. People going to the beach will just have to come to terms with the fact that sand gets everywhere...

Bad Idea #2: Sand Stacking

Hope that container never tips over!

Bad Idea # 3: Spray Sunscreen, and Anything Over 50 SPF

There's no guarantee this spray will get all of your hard-to-reach places. Plus, it ends up giving you a blotchy tan. And this is terrible for the environment (and for your skin!). Anything that claims to have over 50 SPF is a scam, giving people false confidence. Besides, 30 SPF blocks 97% of the bad rays anyway. You just have to re-apply every 40-80 minutes if you want it to work properly (the same is true for higher SPF's). See this site for some information about sunscreen ploys.

Bad Idea # 4: Baby Powder to Wick Off Sand

I'm not saying this doesn't work, but it's just as easy to wipe sand off of skin with a towel. Literally. Terry cloth works perfectly. Simplify your life.

Bad Idea # 5: Beach Balls

These are the tumbleweeds of the beach. They're great fun until the wind comes and blows them away. And it's a rare day when there's no wind at my beach. The kids throw them and then swim all the way to the other side of the swim area (almost half a mile at ours) chasing these things down. The next thing you know we've got horrified parents reporting a missing child. Of course, we always find the kids, but the parents get a good scare. These are better for indoor or backyard pools where there's no breeze.

Bad Idea # 6: Inflatable Floaties

These are actually really great for kids, but they can be death traps if they deflate. Once these things pop, your kid is in trouble. If you get these, make sure there's more than one or two inflatable shafts... or save yourself the worry and buy foam ones.


And that's all I've got for now! I will conclude this blog with this hilarious meme: