Is Love a Verb?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elad-nehorai/i-didnt-love-my-wife_b_3908956.html

A man named Elad Nehorai posted the above article on Wednesday and a friend of mine posted the link on Facebook.  I am always curious to find out what people say about God, love, and faith... so I read it.

Elad relays a concept that I've heard echoing throughout my life from various sources.  My favorite source is DC Talk's "Love Is A Verb."  It's a cheesy 90's song, but it was one of my favorites when I was young.  I knew every DC Talk song by heart.

Elad titles his article, "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married."  This caught my attention because I've heard one other person say that: a youth pastor whom I know and love.  When he would preach, he'd often talk about the time when his dad told him, "You don't love her yet" while he was dating his now wife.  He would always go on to say that he realizes now that he didn't truly love her then, at least compared to his love now.  And that always led into a teaching to the high-schoolers about how they don't truly love each other yet... I wasn't one of the youth he was preaching to--I was one of his leaders--and so I always considered the impact of what he said on the students he taught.  Something about that teaching always bothered me, though I couldn't say what it was at the time.

And I can't tell that pastor, "well, yes you did love her," because maybe he really didn't.  However, he often told the story of the first time he saw her in a romantic way and explained that she was suddenly the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, even though he'd seen her every day before and thought she was a little strange.  I believe this was the love of God for her made manifest in him.

Being the "how can I apply this to my life" type of person, I could never accept that idea (that he didn't love her then).  Why would I marry someone who "thought" they loved me?  Ugh.  How depressing is that?  And how can a person reduce a young person's love to being "not really love" simply because it's immature or naive?  What a way to disqualify and belittle these peoples' feelings!

I loved my husband before I even started dating him.  And it wasn't a romantic love either.  I loved who he was.  I admired his character and his intellect, respected his standards, appreciated his helpful attitude, was concerned for his well-being, enjoyed his personality, and laughed at his humor.  We were good friends (we still are) and we worked together on a worship (music) team.  I didn't see him in a romantic way for the first three years of our friendship.  It was literally on one night that my eyes were opened to feelings for him.  He told me I was beautiful and it felt like those words shot straight into my soul.  Other men (fathers, brothers, friends, even boyfriends) have told me the same thing, but this was different.  And the first year of our relationship I was in the clouds; MADLY in love with him.  I did stupid and crazy things just to be with him, and he did the same.  I couldn't stand being away from him.  Those feelings were insanely strong.  There were times when we just looked into each other's eyes and I felt like my soul was bursting with bliss.  We dated for two weeks and I told him I loved him.  And I had no doubt that I loved him because I knew I loved him before this infatuation.

I will admit that, yes, those feelings have toned down.  They toned down before we got married.  We went through a lot of hardships and times that put strain on our relationship.  We dated for three years because of things that stopped us from being able to get married (long distance, controlling leaders who put impossible standards on us, work, school...).  And so when we got married, we were happy because we could be together all the time uninterrupted and un-judged.  We were still good friends, even when sometimes we didn't feel tangible romance.

Perhaps it was true for Elad; that he didn't have love for his wife before they married.  Perhaps it was just infatuation.  Maybe he loved the idea of having a wife...  Whatever the case may have been, I cannot argue with his title statement.  Not everyone is blessed to be able to marry their best friend.  But I feel that defining love as a verb is a belittling statement.

Love is so much more than merely an action.

Of course I love my husband at all times, despite my mood, so I can agree with him that love is more than just an emotion.  But I say it is more than just an action.   

If it is only a verb, then what is it at rest? If we reduce love to an action we rob it of its fullness. Action is a result of love, but it is not love itself. (the same goes for faith: faith is belief and trust more than it is action. Without belief and trust, you have no faith) Action is at the surface of love, maybe even a perpetuation of it.  But then what is intimacy?  Is it action?  Not necessarily.  It can be as simple as a nap on the couch together.  It is restful and not work, or a conscious choice one has to make.  It's a natural occurrence flowing from love.  Intimacy is where its at: connection and oneness.  Feelings are essential to love.

Let me take it even deeper.  

Love is a person: God is love. 

Without God, there is no love.  I think it is a gift from God, and He enables even the godless to love.  But love is so much less than what it is without God being at the center of it.

God showed us his love by sending Christ, but He loved us before he proved it. I loved Dustin before I committed my life to caring for him. Now our favorite times are just sitting together and relaxing. Yes I feel loved when he serves me.  Yes, it is fulfilling to serve him, but that is only part of it.  If he only served me, something would be missing.  I am glad that Elad has discovered that serving his wife cultivates in himself a deeper love for her.  But if I could encourage him, I'd tell him, "there's so much more!"  Love causes us to enjoy people in the best possible way.

And since God is love, let me tell you something: some of the best, most intimately fulfilling sex I've had with my husband has been while we were worshiping God (at home, of course... or after coming home from a time of deep worship). When I am focused on the Lord, my relationship with my husband is deep and fulfilling, not to mention super-hot.

Love is so much more than an action. 

God Is Welcome?

I was on Pinterest the other day when I saw a pin (a picture) of a painted wooden sign.  On it was the quote, "Christ is the center of our home, a guest at every meal, a listener to every conversation."  It was rustic and classy-looking with the distressed paint look--dark background with white capital letters; quite a design piece for any room.

I commented on the pin.  I couldn't resist!  "I think this is sweet, but the guest part implies that he doesn't live there."

The "pinner" replied that it was a way of saying He's always welcome, but that she had never thought of it that way.

I want to discuss this at length; this verbal placement of Christ, "you are welcome."

I've subtly brought this up a few times in various groups of Pentecostal people and I have often heard a similar response.  The response is to the effect of, "It is a healthy way of maintaining an open attitude towards God."  It's a way of letting Him know that we are willing and ready, and that He's welcome to do anything He wants, or welcome to be with us at all times.

While I don't think this is necessarily sinful, I think this language is detrimental to one's faith.  Words like, "guest," and "welcome," paint a picture of God looking in from the outside.

I believe a family who hangs that quote on their wall probably feels this is such a radical way to remind ourselves of His presence.  One could intend for this to make Him seem more real in our lives.  But I propose that it does remind us of His presence, but in a way that is half truth, half lie.  The Bible presents God in a much different way.

The Bible says that God knows the number of hairs on our heads.  While, to me, this always seemed like a random fact for God to know, I realize that it means something very significant.  It means that He is concerned with every cell of our bodies: each new hair, and each hair that has fallen.  It implies constant attention to detail.  

If you've ever painted a portrait, like me, you'd know that staring at a person's face is a very intimate experience.  Even just looking at a picture for long enough has a similar effect.  You begin to know every line, every scar, every indent, and these small details tell a story of a person's life.  I once painted ten life-size portraits of people I knew, and when I worked on their faces, I felt an emotional connection with each person.  Now, this was a commissioned job, and I didn't know these people closely, but by the end of those two weeks, I held a fondness toward them that I'd never felt before.  I felt like I knew them even though they never really knew me.  I knew their pain and their struggle.  A friend of mine joked that after she had finished a portrait of a guy, she was feeling like he should be taking her out to dinner!

Knowing the smallest detail of a person is very intimate. And taking the care to know how many hairs are on a person's head implies a very detailed understanding of a person.  God knows the actions of every cell in your body, knows the cause of every sickness...  As I've stated earlier in my blog post about God's omniscience, he knows all things instantaneously as they happen.  He knows your thoughts, who you are, why you are who you are, and why you do what you do.

Not only does he know all about us to start, the gospel tells us that when we accept Christ, we are grafted into the "tree" as new branches.  This implies a constant connection.  We also become one with Him in spirit: our old man dies and we become a new person united with Christ.  We are His "temple".  We become His home.  It also says we are adopted as sons and daughters.  So we're in His immediate family.

There's so many analogies that scream of a close and constant connection with Him.  Psalm 139 tells us that there's nowhere we can go that He is not, and that His thoughts about us are more than the grains of sand on the beach!  So not only does he see us, but he's thinking about us always.  It says he doesn't sleep!

When I think of all these things, I cannot reduce Christ to a mere guest in my home. I cannot reduce my attitude towards Him to a mere openness and willingness or even a mere daily choice.  He's in me, around me, and makes up my very being.  He owns me, provides for my housing, my eating, my living, my education.  He IS me.  We are one.

My first thoughts about this came when I got married to my husband.  Imagine if I told him he was welcome in my home.  That's silly because we share a home.  His home is my home.  I wouldn't even say "you're welcome in my bed" because it's our bed to begin with.  I don't even think in terms of letting him in because he has access to me always.  I've let him in already.  If I relate to my husband in more intimate ways than I relate to God, isn't there a problem with how I view God?  If my husband is family (and not even blood), but my God is a "guest", isn't that almost an insult?  Christ's blood runs through my veins.  My husband committed himself to me by making a covenant.  Christ committed himself to me by dying and taking the punishment for my sins.  Which one is greater?

When I want a close friend to know they are important to me, I don't say "you are a guest", I say, "you are family".

To finish my thoughts, I want to say that family is welcome even when they aren't welcome.  They are loved even when they are being difficult.  The bond of a family endures much.  Christ is welcome even when I'm not so willing and ready.  Christ owns me and all that I have.  I don't give Him permission to come because it's not my place to.  He's a part of me.  He's got continual access.  I've put my whole trust in Him.  I'm completely vulnerable to Him and He does no harm to me.  And sons and daughters are not guests.  If we are His sons and daughters, then He is our father, and he is no guest at my table.  He's family.  

Accomplishment

I am thinking back to the awards ceremony at my university a little over a month ago.  Several students received awards and recognition in different areas.  As I sat in the crowd, seeing those people applauded on stage made me want to do something award-worthy.  I wanted to be celebrated for my accomplishments. (who doesn't?)

But something also made me cringe.  If you don't know me, I spent seven years in Masters Commission (fall of 2005 to the spring of 2012), which is ministry on steroids.  I got into the habit of saying yes to everything, and doing as much as I could without ever resting or taking care of my emotional needs.  That, of course, led to extreme burn-out and stress.  By the end of seven years, I was mostly numb to every emotion except anger and frustration.  I stopped listening to music, and avoided people (two of my greatest passions).  I treated my closest friends very badly, neglected my family, and continuously over-ate.  I have accomplished many things in the area of ministry.  I did every possible church-related thing I had the ability to do.  My last two years, I was paid to run the program.  I don't regret any of it, though much of my particular experience was very difficult.  What I learned from my time--in a nutshell--is this: busy-ness sucks the life out of me and makes me far less productive.  I may be doing more, but the quality is less... and less, and less, and less.  So I stopped.  I slowed down.

Because I'm now able to focus on fewer things, those things which I produce are far more valuable. 

One thing at a time.

And so my thoughts return to the awards ceremony: for those people who are being recognized for accomplishing a million and one things.  She was a part of student council, two sport teams, jazz band, some leadership in the dorms, got a 4.0, etc...  I cringed at the busy-ness.  Most students take 18 credits a semester, which basically means sleepless nights all school-year.  That alone is a lot of work.  For a time, it's good.  There are busy seasons in my life and I thrive on it.  But that's not the kind of lifestyle I want to live for my whole life.  And I think, "all these people are getting awards and are being encouraged to be super productive.  Hopefully they will learn that this lifestyle eventually spins out of control..."

Maybe some people want the life of constant work.  Maybe that's what gets them through.  I know that in my early years of MC I was dealing with a broken heart and keeping busy was what helped me through.  But then my life became un-balanced.  This super-productiveness had to slow down.  What's the point of accomplishing all these things when in the end they don't matter to you anymore?  You get so busy that you hate the things you once loved.  You can't even enjoy what you've decided to do with your life.  The things that got you into your career are the things that you eventually want to get away from.

I am NOT discouraging productiveness.  I am discouraging the constant go busy-ness that is plaguing our nation.  What's the point of accomplishing so much if you can't even enjoy life in the process?  Shall I just live to survive?  Even kids left on the street in third world countries--those who are barely surviving--are sniffing glue to help them get by.  The feeling may be fleeting, but it's gratification nonetheless.

If I'm going to get an award, I'm going to get it by being exceptionally good at one thing.  I'm tired.  The things that I have been striving for have led me to ruin.  My dreams that were once so big have become the stuff of nightmares.  To have a global this and an international that...  it now sounds like a bunch of busy-ness that leads to more busy-ness for others.  It reeks of frustration that stings like frostbite.  In those former dreams, when I think of them now, I picture a broken family and a shattered marriage.  I picture utter loneliness followed by continuous attempts to feel SOMEthing pleasant--maybe sex, drugs, or binge-eating...  No wonder famous people are notorious for all these life-ruining habits.

Simplicity is the life for me.

Prioritize Family

"Nobody want to see us together, but it don't matter, no, 'cause I got you."  That's the chorus of a song called, "Don't Matter" by Akon.  It's pretty catchy.  I hate it.

Here's the thing: if your family can't stand the person you're dating, take that as a warning.  If he or she is repelling the people who unconditionally love you, don't assume marriage will change that.  You're family will be forced to "tolerate" that character, and it will keep them from being around you.  And if you've unknowingly picked the abuser, or the cheater, or the manipulator, or the drug addict, or the criminal, he or she could eventually ruin your life and the lives of your children.  And if you've been ruined, what is you get a divorce.  And if you divorce, who will you turn to?  Your family.

Alas, you were too consumed to care about your family when you were devoting yourself to the one who wasn't worth your time to begin with.

I just think...What if I had married the man my parents disapproved of?  He made my sister feel awkward, but I didn't know it at the time.  It would have put a wedge between us.  Anne and I have been best friends our whole lives.  I would be devastated if she didn't want to spend time with me because my man made her uncomfortable.  Ugh.  Thank God I have Dustin.

In a way, my love affair with my work put distance between my family and me... And it hurt me a great deal.  I feel like I'm closing the gaps slowly.

(and yes, I know, sometimes the family disapproves for superficial reasons that don't matter, but that's something entirely different.  And then there's situations when family approves blindly because they don't know who the woman or man really is...  no one could blame themselves for that.  And God can always change things.  He is full of grace after all).

I guess I just wish people would consider what's important (not that I did when I was young... By God's grace it didn't work out).  Obviously, you have to make your own decisions, and your family's approval shouldn't be the only reason you decide to marry... but it is oh-so-important.  I don't see enough people making it important.  If your family matters to you, don't let a stranger come between them and you.  If you do, you'll regret it down the road.

Identity Produces Action

How many sins does one have to commit before he is considered a sinner?

Zero.

We are born into sin as sinners. And that's why we have to be reborn into righteousness as saints. That's also why Christians say "born again" in reference to salvation.

We are who we are. Our actions are merely byproducts of our identity. We do what we do because we are who we are.

The world sees it the opposite way: we are who we are because we do what we do. People are judged by their actions. And fairly so there's not much available for us to judge other than a person's actions. But that doesn't reflect truth.

And furthermore, because of this mindset, people often focus on what they can do for God. They always focus on the doing part and not enough on the "being" part (which is believing and knowing who you are in Christ).

My identity is determined by God. If I'm reborn into Christianity but still sinning, it's only because I don't realize who I really am.

People will judge and label a person based on his actions. And they will hold him to it. Not many are open to change or growth.

But people didn't make you, God did. He knows who you are. He's the best one from whom to find out. So break out of the mold others have made for you. It never fit right anyway.

Pride of Man

There is a common thought that in order to keep oneself humble, one must be in constant awareness of how sinful one is; to always keep oneself in check, making sure to leave no weakness exposed to temptations, making sure to check motivations, making sure to stay close to God, and making sure to avoid sin. After all, no one is perfect. We are all sinners; "for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Romans)

What if I said that this version of humility is not humility at all?  How?

1. It is so self-involved, even in its attempts to be selfless, the focus is on the self (trying to be selfless rather than actually being selfless by trying to help others...).

Furthermore, this mindset presupposes that we are somehow capable of keeping ourselves in check and close to God.  It assumes that we have the ability to avoid sin by sheer will. It glorifies our own human will, making righteousness out to be a goal achieved by struggling between two inner natures, the "flesh" (the sinful part) and the "spirit" (the glorified part), and then struggling against the enemy (Satan and his minions).  This is actually a non-Biblical, gnostic worldview that has infiltrated the church [gnostic view = the flesh is evil and the spirit is good.  more on this another time].

Ever heard of the analogy about the two dogs?  I've heard this one used a lot in church; it's a story of two dogs in a fight.  Which one wins?  The one you feed.  And so the application to our lives is that if we feed our minds on garbage (profane music, immoral friendships, worldly television, etc.), our sinful nature wins.  However, if we feed ourselves on righteous things (reading the word, prayer, devotion, worship, etc.), our redeemed nature wins.

I find depths of truth in this analogy, but in the way that it is often used, people tend to focus on the doing part.  It's that attempt at humility by keeping oneself in check by feeding oneself with righteous things so that one can win the battle over the flesh.

It's clear to all of us that the "sinful nature" wins against the "will for holiness" one hundred percent of the time.  "God, give me the desire to desire you!" is a common plea.  And if we've somehow achieved a level of righteousness, after a while we become tired and burnt out.  That's when great men fall (pastors of mega-churches committing adultery, famous evangelists declaring they are homosexual, etc... however, being burnt out is not the only reason men fall).

The motivation here is keeping oneself worthy of God and heaven.  It is an effort to prove oneself worthy of the call.

       2.  Not only is this version of humility self-focused, but sin-focused.

When one has a constant inward focus, especially at the imperfect sinfulness, one falls into condemnation.  And, as I have said before, condemnation is a tactic of Satan used to depress and disqualify the saints (saints = believers).

So what does pride have to do with this?

You've probably guessed by now that I am implying the common view of humility is actually prideful.

True humility is honesty; knowing who you are.  Pride, however, is thinking you are better than you are, or better than others.  And so if one can avoid sin by sheer will, as many believe, then what was the purpose of Jesus' death on the cross?  If mankind is capable of making itself holy by fighting hard enough, and feeding itself with righteous things, then man has no need for a savior.  Man, by his own sheer will, can earn his own salvation.  That, to me, is the epitome of pride.  It is saying that I do not need Jesus.

Our own sheer will becomes an idol* before God. 

It seems backwards to say, as a believer, "I am no longer a sinner."  Doesn't that sound like the most prideful statement?  "What, so all of us here who are trying to stay humble are sinners, yet you are somehow NOT a sinner?  How prideful!  Who does he think he is?!  What an elitist!"  Well, the truth is, the believer who knows he is not a sinner also knows why: Christ made him so by dying on the cross.  He can't take one ounce of credit for it.  He knows that his sinful nature died with Christ, and he has been re-born with a sinless nature.  Yes.  Christ's sacrifice actually is that powerful.  claiming sinlessness is the most humbling claim because it means that Jesus IS his righteousness, and that he is utterly incapable of achieving it apart from Jesus.  It is the epitome of reliance on Christ.  It is true faith that Christ's death has actual power.  It's actually possible to go on without sinning, and it's effortless!  It's effortless because all it takes is knowing the truth.  That's why it's important to renew our minds--to feed on righteous things--because knowing our position with Christ is what keeps us solid.  Knowing who you are is true humility.

Aren't you sick of focusing on all your imperfections?  Well, stop!  Focus on Jesus, who did it all for you.  Aren't you tired of fighting?  Well, stop!  Jesus already fought for you!  What a joyful thought!  What a glorious truth!  What a freeing mindset!  It's like finally coming up above water and breathing air again.  Christ paid for all of your sins: past, present, and future.  You have no sinful nature.  Your "flesh" died when you became a believer.  The only reason why it seems to still exist is because people think it does.  You are NOT schizophrenic, nor do you have multiple personalities.  You are one person, united with Christ in all aspects of your life.

So:

1. Man is incapable of being righteous
2. Man is incapable of choosing God
3. God loves man and wants him to be in union with Him once again, so He makes a way by sending His son to die.
4. Jesus, being fully man and fully human paid the price for salvation, satisfying God's wrath
5. God's wrath is satisfied and He is no longer angry at man
6. God draws man to himself (He is utterly irresistible when he draws you)
7. Any who are drawn put their trust in and believe in Christ.
8. Believers have been crucified with Christ; their sinful nature dies, they become united with Christ, and are reborn with a sinless nature.
9. God's spirit literally dwells in his fullness within the believer
10. Believers not only have the mind of Christ, but access to all of His authority (heirs to Jesus' throne)
11. Believers' actions had nothing to do with their salvation (because it was attained by Christ alone) therefore, they cannot lose their salvation based on their actions.  [People argue this point heavily because there are scriptures that can be taken the opposite way, but this is Biblical doctrine.  People also think that by saying we can't lose our salvation, then we are giving license to sin.  A license to sin is merely a misunderstanding of these 11 points.]

Lastly, one who claims sinlessness apart from Christ--that person is more prideful than our humility-chasers.  That person is claiming to be God.  I want to differentiate between that person and one who is completely reliant on the grace that came from Christ's death on the cross.

So there you have it.  True humility is knowing you have a sinless nature through Jesus Christ.


*Martin Luther calls it the "Idol of the Will".  see John Crowder's explanation here

Omniscience of God

Here's a short tidbit of theology that struck me as awesome:

Omniscience of God

"Omni" generally means all. "Science" generally refers to knowledge. Therefore this term refers to God's all-knowing nature. Greek logic (which has heavily influenced our own logic) says that there's this heavenly "Logos", or knowledge. And this contains all knowledge there is to know in the universe. As humans, we only know a small fraction of this Logos.  So then, God's omniscience must refer to Him knowing the heavenly Logos.

But scripture provides a far more intense description: God doesn't just contain all knowledge, he has direct and immediate access to all knowledge at all times. He knows thoughts, knows all possible outcomes before a decision is made. He not only knows each thing in and of itself, He also knows each thing in relation to the whole. It refers to His sovereignty; He knows all things, sees all things, sustains all things, and governs all things. In order for us to learn something, it takes time to process, whereas God instantaneously knows all happenings. That's just awesome.

(Scripture references: 1 Sam. 16:7, 23:9-13; 1 Kings 8:39; 2 Kings 13:19; 1 Chron. 28:9; Ps. 33:13-15, 81:14-15, 139:1-6, 139: 13-16; Prov. 15:3; Job 24:23; Jer. 16:17; Isa. 40:13-14, 48:18; Luke 16:15; Rom. 8:27, 11:33-36; Eph. 1:11; Heb. 4:13)